Mediocrity

I am furious, with myself for not being super-motivated to achieve what I want, and with the world for being satisfied with mediocrity. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I slip into resting in my comfort zone, not wanting to move out. But when I notice this gets too far, I jerk myself into motion and get things done. I wonder why isn't everyone the same.

How the hell can people be satisfied living an "average" life? Accepting what is given to them, or what falls on their laps and whatever is out of their reach, they don't bother to get up and go for it. And if this isn't bad enough, some people even HATE the people who actually work for things in life. They come up with all sorts of justifications that these "achievers" are simply behaving badly and dictate what people SHOULD or SHOULDN'T do based on their own biasness and standards (or the standards society imposes on them).

"Music cannot earn me much money.If I want to do music I MUST follow THIS path. Anyone else who thinks otherwise will NEVER make it and they are NOT thinking about their future." This is absolute bullshit. First of all, I'm fine if more people think this way, it just means more opportunities for me. But what takes it overboard is when they impose their closed-minded values onto me and how I live my life.

I believe that I should do what I enjoy doing and even if it means just living hand-to-mouth, I do not mind. Who are you to tell me that I "will never make it" and that "I'm too young to understand it now". I have my goals and my plans in front of me, and as I move along in life I change things to suit my situation. But it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about my future; that I am not planning ahead. If you want to live your average 8-5, get married and have kids and work to support them, kind of lifestyle, go ahead. But don't tell me what I can or can not do.

I say that "confidence is half the battle won" and you say that is cliche. Yet you NEVER have confidence and fail, and you blame your failures on everything else. I share with you what works for me and what I believe to be true, it's alright if you don't accept it. But if you're so quick to reject ideas before even trying them and want to live in your close-minded world of mediocrity, go ahead.

Seriously, what is it with people saying they "cannot" do anything? That "some things are just meant to be like that" and that we "have to follow and submit to authority". These are the people who live average lives, and who have no impact on ANYTHING at all. In all history - Science and Arts - it was the REBELS who revolutionized the world. From Galileo Galilei to Isaac Newton, from Miles Davis to Michael Jackson. These were the people who made history. So what's with you people telling me that I should "listen to authority because that's what we SHOULD do" and that "they are right". And pushing me to "challenge the SAF". Damn right I'll challenge the SAF to anything I feel that isn't right. I'm not a rebel without a cause, I actually use my brains, unlike you social robots who listen to whatever people who claim to be authority tell you to do.

If you haven't heard of the Milgram Experiment, do read it here. This is exactly the type of people you are. Mindless and heartless.

And lastly, it seems that people fear what they don't understand and are very quick to judge people before even knowing what is going on. I've been reading a lot of dating and social dynamics, what people think is socially unacceptable and treating women like objects. People tend to be quick to throw judgements of what THEY think it is before even knowing what it is.

A news (yes, the supposedly UNBIASED news) report caught my attention. Even these media are quick to throw in their judgement and twist the whole story to what they want it to sound like. And you think you get the truth from news. That's why I only read news from the PEOPLE and most of the time, from multiple sources.



Anyway what this video is about is a ABC reporting on a dating company, Love Systems. They think that people who join these programs are sexually-repressed nerds who are looking to manipulate women to have sex with them. There may be a minority of such cases, but they don't see the big picture. These companies are teaching men to be SOCIALLY confident, to treat women, hot or normal, as PEOPLE. Instead of putting beautiful women on pedestals and being afraid of them.

There is no magic bullet, unlike what most people may assume. These dating coaches aren't teaching lines for men to attract women, they are teaching lifestyles and building characters. Society enforces the fact that beautiful women (models and celebrities) are better than the average person, and that it is near impossible to get a woman of that caliber. The media DRILLS that into the head of every man from the second he enters the world.

What these companies are doing are breaking that mental barrier. Showing that beautiful women are just normal people and helping you smash that mindset by putting you OUT there and showing you personally that it's as easy to approach a beautiful woman as it is, a "normal person".

The reasons why they have lines is so that there is NO excuse not to approach. And the "classroom" lectures are basically just a breakdown of what people know instinctually, but cannot emulate when under the pressure. It's a lot like music. We learn music theory not to play music or to compose, but we learn music theory to understand and analyze music. But when we're playing, we're flowing from the soul.

Likewise, when they teach social dynamics, they are merely pointing out to you what goes on in a desirable interaction, but when you actually go out and have a conversation with someone, you don't actually "apply the tactics".

Social interaction is a skill set, but unfortunately people overlook this. They think they are great communicators and that they are above this. Yet they see a model and they are afraid to approach because they feel that they don't deserve someone of that social status. Even if they do, their lack of confidence kills them before they even open their mouths.

Of course there are people who are natural speakers, but not everyone is born equal. So my whole point up till here is to say this one thing: Don't be satisfied with mediocrity. Push yourselves to your limits until you actually DIE.

Of course the social-brainwashed will just brush this off as cliche, and nonsense. But whatever, the more of these kind of people in the world, the better for me too.

Major Change

With time, comes change. Everything changes over time; buildings weather, seas rise, people age. The magnitude of change varies, though. A rock cannot decide to be cut faster under a waterfall, but we as sentient beings, and further more of higher intelligence (I use this term loosely) can choose to what degree of change we bring into our lives.

People often distinguish between living and existing. What is the difference exactly? Existence basically is just "going with the flow", letting the tides push you along in life. "Whatever happens, happens" is what they usually say. People who merely exist, don't take action. They sit around and wait until everything falls into place. They take things as they come.

Living, however, requires more work. There has to be intent and action. People who merely sits and dreams of change is an idealist; people who take action without intent (goals) are lost. If you want to live, you have to develop; you have to grow, be it for better or worse.

No one said that change is always good. Sometimes people change for the worse. I read somewhere before about the 90/10 principle. Basically it's about how you "control your destiny" by controlling your reactions. Won't go into detail, more here http://harrycheese.blogspot.com/2007/11/9010-principle-good-in-theory-dumb-in.html .

Whether it's dumb in reality or really practical is entirely subjective. I tend towards the more positive side, and would agree with the person who came up with this principle. It's a good thing to live by. Anyway back to the topic on change.

As I was saying, self-improvement is necessary if you want to "live". They say the quest for knowledge is for a lifetime. While this MAY be true (who knows?), seeking knowledge for the sake of is totally redundant. What we should be seeking for is how to apply the knowledge we obtain to better ourselves. This is why for a long time, I gave up my reading habit. I realized what I was doing was just reading to know more, and as a result, often got into debates (or what most might call arguments) with people over things that even if they did matter, weren't relevant.

Strangely enough this epiphany came to me while I was in my BMT phase, and I'm glad it did. My endless pursuit of age-old philosophical arguments have come to a standstill. I know what I needed to know, but now it's what I do with that knowledge. I'm not saying I totally stopped learning, but I no longer force-feed my mind with endless pages of words that my subconscious would probably force into the archival recesses of my mind, never to be referred to again.

So, starting in baby steps, I began to make changes in my life. Some changes were bad, most were good. Bad in the sense that given a choice, I wouldn't want to make those changes. But sometimes we have to walk the road of darkness before we can really appreciate the saving grace of the light. Seek up, is what they usually say. But we have to be down before we can look towards the heavens.

But I can say, in regards to the overall picture, this change that I am aiming towards is ultimately a good thing (to me that is). Many might contest it because, frankly, it's against what most people would agree with. It's not necessarily a bad thing, because shouldn't we all be hated? If the world agrees with you, then it's likely you're doing something wrong. Anti-social or social? It's not really my concern. My concern is solely whether or not it's beneficial to me (think long-term, as in reeeeeeeeeally long-term. like eternity-long-term).

So after talking about all that nonsense, I guess you might (or not) know what I'm heading towards. What it is exactly, I will not reveal yet. In due time. But just know that it's a major change in my life. Do not worry. I'm not gonna kill myself. The new year is soon approaching. Make your resolutions, stick to it. I'm just having a head start because I need it.

There are only 2 things that are important to me: Music and Love, both of which are who God is.

Christmas is Coming

Just for verification: TR3RSEADWZCD

____

It's the most wonderful time of the year and it'll come and go in a month's time. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday of the year, not so much the presents and lights but the sort of atmosphere that it has even in sunny Singapore.

It makes me happy. Perhaps this year's Christmas will be different. It's gonna be a blast, I'll make sure of that.

Bigger than You

It's amazing how people tend to box themselves up within their realities. Anything that seems "out of this world" or if it messes with their reality, is thought of as "impossible" and "impractical".

We all like to dream big, but how many actually chase that dream? And how many actually stick to it? Some people work towards seemingly huge goals and give up almost upon encountering the first failures. But most, don't even try. Time travel? "Impossible". Rock star? "Not feasible". Getting that chick sitting across the room? "She's probably a slut anyway". People love to judge situations before jumping in, sometimes it's good but mostly it's counter-productive.

Judging is good if we are objective about it, if we are conscious of the situation. But what is messes the whole thing up is when we drag subjectivity into the mix, when we become self-conscious of the situation and we bring personal biases even before acting. What's even worse than that? Bringing other peoples' personal biases into the picture.

Who said you couldn't be famous? "No one, but if it were that easy everyone would be famous."

Have you tried? "Not much, I joined a few competitions before."

What happened? "No one called me back, so I didn't bother."

"Anyway what I want now is to be rich, get lots of money and perhaps then everything will fall nicely in place."

Reality check: Not everything will fall into place. Most of the things you want, you have to work for. Sometimes other people work for things and give them to you. If that's the case, be thankful but don't get complacent. Sometimes I see people get opportunities that I've worked hard to get but never gotten, and these people become lazy and complacent, often chronic procrastinators. Sometimes I get angry, but then I realize that the world is fair. People will get what's coming to them. What we get, we cannot control. But what we do with the things we get, and the consequences, is entirely up to us.

There is a story about 3 men who got a certain amount of money from their master. One had 10 talents, one 5 and another only 1. Of course, it would be unfair that each of them got different amounts. The man with only 1 talent could have complained that he didn't have enough capital to invest or that it was unfair that the other men had more than him. But his actions were what his master punished him for. He was lazy. And that's the whole point, control what is given to you. Don't be spiteful, but in all things: give thanks.

But that doesn't mean that if you work for it, you'll get it. You have to work smart, and for the right reasons. People seem to think that "being in reality" means that you have to lead a normal life - study, work, get married, have children, die.

How real is that actually? Giving up your autonomy to the system? Sure, if you just follow the masses everything will be given to you. It's true, but is living a life chosen by others (I'm not saying whether this is intentional or not, but more of social conditioning) really living a real life?

Is lack of money and opportunities a reason to give up thinking big? Opening your mind to endless possiblities? To make the "impossible" come through? If you try to move mountains by yourself, it will never happen. Because of your lack of faith in yourself and, if you believe, God. Optimism is half the battle won. I told that to a friend who is kind of a worry wart, and he laughed at me. He said if it were that easy, he would just need to be confident and he wouldn't screw up. I told him yes. That was precisely how my "test" went and I pulled through just fine. But he wouldn't take my word for it. Perhaps it has to do with his personality, but unless you are willing to reject whatever the world tells you nothing will go right for you, sadly.

I'm not putting him down, but some things just have to be said. If you think you're going to fail, you will be nervous OR not put enough effort into doing it. And anything done half-assed or done without confidence WILL fail.

If asked, most people would say that they are open-minded. But how true is that actually? If I said you could fly, would you believe me? Jesus walked on water, and so did Peter. Faith CAN move mountains, if you believe. But yet again your purpose and intention has also to be considered. If you are trying to test God, then of course nothing will happen. God has nothing to prove to you.

Opening your mind is not being vulnerable and believing everything you hear without question. On the contrary, only the closed-minded people believe everything that society, their mothers, "they" tell them. Being closed-minded is not questioning the possibility of things and coming up with conclusions and thus being vulnerable to being manipulated by people you respect or are forced to "respect".

If we are beings of higher intelligence and are autonomous? Why do we choose to give up these God-given rights? Why do we choose to be slaves to the world and give up our ability to make choices? That, I will never understand.

The Surface

If everyone is socially-conditioned, then who is the "conditioner"? That's a question I keep asking myself. Perhaps society unintentionally blinds itself and continues to feed this type of thinking to itself in order to escape the deeper truth that might otherwise result in unrest. BMT, to me, is a very interesting social experiment. All sorts of people with different beliefs are thrown together and forced to go through a lot of nonsense together. And even up till today (1 week left), some peoples' behaviors still confuse me. I have never met people like that in my past 20 years, and seeing such behaviors are both intriguing and, sometimes, hilarious.

Cutting straight to the point, I can see that most of the people are really socially-conditioned zombies. They go through their lives looking at others, and never (yes, NEVER) making decisions on their own. No matter what the issue at hand is, they always look to see what others are doing before making a move.

For example:

A fire alarm goes off. Everyone knows that it's the technician who is testing the alarm system downstairs (most of us walked past him). But every time the fire alarm goes off, most of the people will seem surprised and wonder whether we have to carry out the fire drills. I knew that we didn't have to as it was pretty obvious that it was just the technician testing the system out. But something funny happened. The moment I told them that we have to god own and I picked up my bucket, everyone began doing the same and assembling at the basketball court, even though instructions were given to prepare for the next activity.

In the end, we were told that it was a false alarm and to go up and prepare. Interesting, isn't it?

I bet even if it were a real fire, and people could smell the smoke, they would still look around to see what others are doing before making their move. Most people don't think that they do, though. If you ask them whether they are living their own lives, they would say yes without hesitation. Of course there are a few who really do what they want and not care what others think, but most of the people I know aren't like that.

I'm not saying that you totally ignore society, and just do what the hell you want at the expense of others. Of course you have to think about how your actions affect others, but ultimately it has to come from yourself and not from looking at what other people do, or what is "socially or politically correct".

It's funny how people are quick to give up personal integrity and are willing to hold back what they really think in order to be politically correct, and thus be socially accepted. Social conditioning is a vicious cycle. Society pressures the individual, who is part of the society. As a result, everyone is strong-arming everyone else into a "groupthink" mindset, and people no longer think for themselves, but look to "higher authority" (see: alphas).

The decision-makers are more often than not the "alpha male of the pack"; or leaders of men. They are the people who dare to rise up above all the other zombies and speak for them. They usually hold strong believes and are very centered in their own reality, thus sucking everyone else around them into their reality. As someone once said, "He who has the strongest reality (frame), wins". These people are the ones the rest of the pack look to, to make their decisions for them, and thus relieving them of the pressures and responsibilities and also someone to blame if anything goes wrong.

People like to live life on the surface-level, anything that requires a slightly greater amount of thinking is regarded as "deep" and, consequently, disregarded. Positive characteristics and values are no longer instilled, but enforced. Discipline is enforced; Loyalty is enforced; Professionalism (oddly) is enforced by punishment. Of course this all goes back to the age-old "carrot and stick" methods. But I think it goes beyond punishment or rewards. On a deeper level, is the values truly part of the person's personality or merely a performance.

Authenticity and integrity is the most important thing a person must have. If a man has not integrity, a man has nothing. There is no point living a life in deceit and with a mask all the time. Sooner or later someone is going to rip off that mask and reveal the maggot-infested rotting face beneath all that. Subconsciously (I believe it's a God-given intuition), everyone can detect inauthenticity - facial expression, body language, vocal tones, sentence structure, etc. Of course there are ways around that, but inauthenticity is never long-lasting. We should always speak from our hearts, and from our beliefs instead of what people want to hear. Unfortunately, society has a strong hold on many people and thus stifling our freedom of speech.

One thing I take out of BMT is this: In whatever we do, we have to internalize it (to paraphrase 2WO Cheng). If everything is internalized and instilled, it will be authentic. If we do something merely because someone else tells us to do it, not only are we deceiving others, but we are destroying ourselves, and our integrity.

Do you consciously and intentionally living from your core beliefs or are you looking externally for validation and decision? I say this from a Christian point of view. God doesn't want us to do things for the sake of doing it or to show others. He judges our intentions and our authenticity. We are to LIVE a Godly life, and not perform a Godly life. We are given things to live by, but they are not rules. God ultimately wants us to be loving, instead of showing love; to be joyful, instead of looking happy. We have to consciously internalize and instill these characteristics into our being, instead of doing it "just because it's the right thing to do, and God wants me to do it."

Owen Cook once said this, "Most people go through life in a walking daze." Are you? Think about it.

Procrastination

no more sitting around here in my living room
it's time to get out of this place, i'm almost doomed
to live a lonely life, but it time to change
release the fury, harness all these pent up rage

and make something of myself, no more messing around
no more going in and out, running up and down
getting no results, thinking that i need some help
man, i'll do it myself. _ the world, i'm out

but my brain's jammed up, i'm slowly freaking out
try pumping up my state, but it's going down
man i'm choding out, i try to slow __ down
regain my centered-ness, but i've got this cloud

hovering overhead, making me look bad
do i take whatever little _ i have and just flow with that
jump into the freezing pool, and let go of the pad
feel myself drowning, _ i'm gasping for air

going into my head, wondering why __ i did that
matter of fact, moments ago everything seemed perfect
why i put myself out like that, it's a mystery
but i gotta do what i gotta do, don't question me

procrastination is done, man. i'm done with that _
no more waiting around, screwing around like a _
it's time to pick my life up, just get out and do it
get blown out right and left till my skin gets thick

peace.

Positive Reality

So lately I've been trying to incorporate some things into my life, though it's not easy but give me time. I've been watching a few videos on human interaction and social dynamics in an effort to be a better person and just understand how people interact, but more towards being a better person.

They say that in the army, you meet your best friends inside. But au contraire (french, yea!), I don't seem to meet anyone that I can really connect with. Of course, there are some good people, but then again there are some outrageous and atrocious people who are just out to make your life miserable. They seem to follow you everywhere and just keep trying to suck you into their negativity. As they say, misery loves company.

How I deal with it is simple, I don't let it affect me. It's not easy because sometimes the mind just keeps dwelling upon it. But I still push it aside and have my own fun. Ultimately, I don't let people's negative attitudes into my reality. As long as I don't react to them, it's fine. It's not that I ignore them totally, but just the negative aspects.

But it's not enough to do that, I realized that instead of not letting it in, I should counter negativity. And what else can do that but Love? So in addition I'm trying to love those who persecute me. It's easier than I imagined, especially when the "hate" is not there, since I no longer react to their negativity. It doesn't feel like I'm doing anything out of my nature. Love is perhaps the most powerful force in the world.

Even the slightest thing like smiling at them when they're giving you a death stare, or saying sorry when they intentionally bump into you can throw them off. They usually expect you to either react negatively or cower and avoid it, but when you stay grounded in yourself and stay grounded in Love, they don't expect it and somehow it wipes away whatever hate they have for you, if only for that instant.

But as I just started adopting this kind of living, it isn't yet part of my personality. But I hope in the years to come as I grow and mature in the Lord, he will instill this Love in me. The Bible says,

"If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?" - 1 John 4:20

What I also hope to change in me is my personal confidence, or core confidence. Learning to draw confidence from within me, and not from my situation is one of the hardest things to change in me but it's something I want to achieve. Core confidence in a sense that I don't look outward to the people around me or  how I dress, etc in order for me to feel good about myself. But instead I feel confident because I love who I am, and I appreciate myself.

We all grow and mature and we move on in our lives. Some people just go with the flow and don't bother changing who they are, or becoming a better person. But Socrates said "An unexamined life is not worth living." And I believe in that, too. That's why I am constantly reviewing and examining where I am in life in order to become better than who I was yesterday. It's only how I live.

The Little Boy

sitting on the pebbled path
tears patterning darkened spots on the ground
a boy with scrapped knees
trying to get up but gravity keeps holding him down


who are all these people
with their ears cut off the side of their heads?
the boy cries for help
but his words fall to the floor instead


the few that gaze upon him
see nothing but polished mirrors in his place
they say to him "get up!"
but love doesn't seem to paint their face


what the little boy knows
he keeps it in his overburdened heart
but little does he realize
it is this that will soon break him apart

My Life In A Few Paragraphs

I've been doing a little bit (an understatement, really, on second thought) of thinking. Evaluating where I am in my life, the kind of person I've become since, the people around me and how I handle stuff. I don't know where to start, as usual. A lot on my mind, but too much to put into words. Sometimes you just want someone to talk to, but you realize that there's no point. Nobody cares. Most people are too centered on themselves to give even a little time for other people. I admit I'm not entirely self-sacrificing myself, but I try to make the world a better place to live in - both for me and others.

Looking at the kind of person I am now, I see a very different me from the past. Back in the day I was a rebellious kid in school. Not the kind who always got into trouble with the teachers. Rebellious enough to be my own person, but not enough to be the cool kid. I never bent myself to fit with social norms, often challenging what people say we should do. I guess in some sense I'm still the same person now.

I'm a kind of person who likes to avoid conflict, never confronting any problems with other people by talking it out unless first approached. Not that I feel that by doing so my ego will be hurt, but just that I don't like talking to angry people. People in general have trouble listening even when they aren't angry. But throw in that emotional aspect, and it seems that you're talking to a stone wall. Angry people can't be reasoned with at all and I, for one, like to talk with reason. But it seems sometimes people can misunderstand my intentions. I'm not being snobbish, but why speak when nobody listens?

Where I am in my life is kind of a rough spot. Being around so many different characters and watching how the gears in the entire machine grind against each other, sometimes I just want to cut in and solve the problem. But then I know that my interception would most likely not be welcome, and my effort would just be wasted. Everyone has problems with everybody on some level, and from my position that's all I see. But everyone's too self-focused to even realize that they are the problem. I could say that for myself too, though. Conflict-avoidance is not the solution to everything. I realize this is something I have to face. The reason why I don't get angry with people is because I tend to analyze the situation and understand both sides. But my problem is I never take the chance to voice out and in the end nothing gets solved.

Moving on to the people around me, it's been a little rough too. Problems I have with the people I have to live with, and the lack of available output is too stressful on my emotional health. Lately I find it harder to calm my nerves and I'm always on the verge of bursting. I joke (sometimes overjoke) often to try to cover up how I really feel and also to loosen the tension in the air. Like I said I hate confrontations, and I use humor to try to shift the focus away from the tension and keep the situation light and happy. Though it's not always a good thing, especially when it's inappropriate. But it takes social awareness to know when jokes are inappropriate and stop, a characteristic most people do not possess (there I go praising myself again - such an egomaniac, you might think). You don't know me.

It does get lonely when you have the kind of mindset I have. But then again, it's not as if it's unjustified. I can be very serious and joke around when the situation calls for it. Everyone thinks they're victims of a cruel world; that everyone is out to get them. Everyone wants pity - and everyone makes sure other people knows about it. The fact that I'm typing this here shows that I, too, want to express myself. And, sure, I do think that I'm a victim, but not of a cruel world. But more of an uncaring world. Isn't it true everybody only cares about themselves. Most people would think otherwise; that they are caring towards other people. I won't disagree with that. Some people are more caring than others, but to what extent? Most people would only bother to help others if they would benefit from it, and if there's nothing in it for them, they refuse to help - even if they have nothing to lose.

Just a simple example:

Me and my bunk mate finished our meals and were going to clear the plates. I decided to test him and I just put my cup on his cup and asked him to help me clear it, without offering to help him. Since he was on his way to clear his cup anyway, and wouldn't have anything to lose by adding a couple more on his tray. He took the cups and put it back on my tray and told me to put it back myself. I asked him what his rationale was, and he said it was because "everyone should have two cups on their trays" and "having more cups on his tray would make it unbalanced". I feel that is a very weak rationale. Of course, he reluctantly agreed to clear the cups for me, but I cleared my cup and another friend's cups for him, just to prove a point.

Another situation was this: Me and another friend ('another friend and I' to be correct) had just finished eating too and were going to clear our trays too. This time I offered to clear another friend's leftover food in exchange for him to help me return my cup. No issue here.

This is a very minor event in my life, but it tells me a lot about that person. Not that I bear a grudge, but I'm a kind of person who tends to judge people based on their actions. Especially how selfless they are. I judge myself too, and I make an effort to become a better person, and that's why I can say that these people are selfish. I'm not perfect, but I try. I have no problems with people making mistakes, I only have a problem with people who don't want to become better people. People who know they are selfish and choose to stay that way, even when others blatantly point it out.

The reason why I feel so constrained is because the people around me don't want to listen to me. They refuse to open their minds to question the way they live their lives. I'm not trying to portray myself as above them or more enlightened, but some people are so closed-minded that I feel the necessity to pry it open. And they have the nerve to call me close-minded just because I'm firm in what I believe in. I'm firm in what I believe in because I ask questions, but these people are firm in what they believe in because they refuse to ask questions. The moment I want to say something, they immediately shut me off and tell me to keep quiet because they don't want to "debate with me". Even when I'm not even trying to start anything. I know sometimes I can be a little pushy with my world view, but it's only because these people refuse to open their minds to even begin to try to understand what I'm saying. They hold on firmly to their beliefs and regard anything I say as a personal attack. And from there they take everything personally and start attacking me personally. And when I refuse to talk to them anymore, they get all smug as if they've just won a "debate with me". Like I mentioned, I don't like talking to brick walls, and people like that are exactly as such - brick wall exterior with a shut gate.

Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living." I live by this saying and that's why I examine and analyze everything around me, and everything I go through. It's become a part of who I am. And I've learnt from a great man, named Jesus, on how to handle people who refuse to listen. When speaking to the Pharisees, who were people exactly like the people I described, he spoke the truth firmly but not insistently. This is what I strive to do - to be able to be firm but yet not insistent in what I believe in. To do my part to speak the truth to those who are willing to listen, and pray for those whose hearts are hardened by the world.

This is my life in a few paragraphs.

Beliefs

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who change their lives to be consistent with their beliefs, and those who change their beliefs to suit the way they live.

There were two men who applied for the same spot in a particular company. And out of fairness, both men were required to sit for a test to decide which of the two would be hired.

The results of the test were such that both of them scored an F grade. The manager of the company then decided to put both of them to one last test. He handed both men the answer sheet and a red pen and told them to do whatever they wanted with it. He would return at the end of the session to collect the papers and re-evaluate their performance.

So the first guy immediately grabbed the red pen and marked all his current answers correct and changed his grade to A+. He did not edit his answers at all.

The second guy took the answer sheet and changed his answers on his test paper to that which was on the answer sheet.

After that they both handed their papers back to the manager. The manager took a look at both papers and smiled. Guess who got the job?

Parents and Cleanliness

Sometimes I realize we tend to overestimate our parents. We see them as people who protect, provide, and look after the needs of the family and we overlook their emotional side. Sure, once in a while we get a peek at this side, but it's ever so rarely, and once it's gone we resume to our normal mindset.

We see our parents as heroes (or villians, depending) that don't really have any emotions, and sometimes that frustrates everybody. We don't see the loneliness when we're out having fun while our mothers stay home alone and cook and clean. We don't see the sacrifice when we're living the luxuries while our fathers are out working, saving and planning to give us a comfortable life.

And when they tell us to do something or restrict us from doing something else, sometimes we feel that it's an infringement on a certain right that is entitled to us by society; since everyone else can do it, why can't I? I, for one, can't really comment much on it because I've been given a lot of freedom, and a lot of responsibilities as well. And somehow I find myself sympathizing more with my parents and what they've done for me. Perhaps what I had was a perfect balance of freedom and control, responsibilities and provision.

Which brings me to the point of the cleanliness issue in my bunk.

It really amuses me to see the level of ignorance of the people around me. I'm not boasting or saying that I'm better than everyone else. But I owe a lot of who I am today to my parents and the environment I was brought up in. Sad to say, not everyone shares my sentiments.

The whole point of doing area cleaning is to maintain the order, cleanliness and the hygiene level of our living quarters at a livable standard. Sixteen people living together, if there was no enforcement of such stringent expectations the bunk would be almost like a landfill. Yet some people do not understand this very simple reasoning. Instead they treat our stand-by-area sessions as a punishment session.

They tell everybody that if the sergeants wanted to "pump" us, they could easily do so by searching every miniscule detail around the room and would definitely be able to dig out something to make us knock it down. Approaching the task with this mentality defeats the whole purpose of cleaning the area in the first place. Instead of putting at top priority the cleanliness of our bunk, what they focus on is how NOT to make a mistake that we won't do punishments. They then make a huge fuss over tiny matters like arrangement of our cupboards, blowing some things that don't matter out of proportion. But overlook the important things like KEEPING THE BUNK CLEAN.

I can't emphasize this enough. I always go into a cleaning job with one objective. To make the place a more hygienic place to live in. Call me a clean freak, but I don't like living in shit. But what really makes me want to laugh was that they actually suggested putting the duffel bags, which were under the beds for one whole month collecting dust, onto the beds just so that they could clean the bottom of the beds. The rationale was that if you put it on the floor then you can't sweep that area. Of course that would make sense, IF the bags weren't laced with huge clumps of dust bunnies.

But when I pointed that out, I was slapped in my face with the standard "this is the army, you have to get used to it" reply. I was rendered speechless. Just to clean under the beds, you dirty your own bed that you're going to sleep on? And you say that is hygienic? And even worse is that some of these people refuse to help to clean because they're too lazy and would rather do 50 to a 100 push-ups than to clean?

But enough ranting about stupid people. It seems that it can be really challenging to live around ignorance twenty-four hours a day, five days a week. It's been a month already and I finally realized that it's been a waste of my effort trying to help them. It's exactly like casting pearls to swine. I never understood the severity of that saying until now. I guess there's no point speaking if no one is willing to listen. The world is full of self-centered, self-worshipping people. No matter what I say, everyone only cares about themselves. Generosity is considered weakness and everyone is quick to exploit kindness. But nonetheless, I can only keep doing what I think is right, keep the faith, and hope my actions cut through the hearts of these egoistic, puffed up people.

I pray that God will help me keep the faith and persevere through this remaining 3 months of PTP/BMT. Paraphrasing from something I learnt a long time ago, but only realize now:

"Rebuke a fool and you will only incur his wrath. Rebuke a wise man and he will be even wiser yet."

I guess I shouldn't waste my breath rebuking fools, lest I incur the wrath of the world.

A little bit of this..and a whole lot more of that

Life's been climbing a little this past week. I was on medical status the whole week and it was torturous. No, not the "sai kang" that we have to do but more of not being able to participate in all the activities. Missed out on speed training, which was what I was looking forward to. Anyway I'll be back in action from tomorrow so things will be better.

Cleaning the officers' bunks and all the random places around Tekong made me wonder what all this talk about having discipline is about. They drill it into out heads and with the ever-so-frequent stand by beds, you'd think that the commanders were clean freaks. But no, the moment you step into their toilet you see the irony of the whole situation. On one hand they drill into your heads the importance of cleanliness, but they themselves do not carry out the same level that they expect from us. But anyhoo, I'm probably not allowed to blog about army life. So moving on..

Was at the FaithActs fund-raising charity dinner yesterday. Went with my mom and Pat. Si Hao, Namie, Wira, Bo and Joel were there too. My dreaded song "Moment" won first prize for the songwriting competition. It's not that I'm not happy, but as a songwriter I feel that Moment gets more credit that it's due. Personally it's not the kind of song that I want to portray myself to be writing, because I'm not into the whole ballad thing. Sure I like the song in some ways, but I feel it's just not me. Listening to it, it sounds more Si Hao than me actually. But I guess people just like the simple stuff. No one appreciates the other songs that I write as much. Oh well, life's like that.

Somehow after finally moving on in life, things seem to be a little bit brighter. I can say I'm no longer in the dark gloomy place that I was in during the past 4 weeks, though no one probably noticed. Being in camp 5 out of 7 days is really very distancing, especially when you just live a very routine life doing the same things everyday. I won't say I'm a non-conformist, but I like to think. And when you're in the army sometimes you hear people saying "don't ask why, just do" and you think to yourself what kind of people don't like to think. And when you talk to everyone around you, you answer the question.

Also after watching Blueprint by RSD (thanks to Si Hao for reminding me), I'm kinda pumped to finally work on myself personality-wise. The whole series really opened my eyes to what I was doing and what kind of person I was, and that really helped me throw everything down and move on in life. I'm generally a very melancholic person, and I'm trying to throw that in favor of a much more sanguine temperament without losing the emotional, artsy side that makes me who I am. I'm an artist, but who says all artists have to be melancholic. To hell with all the emo stuff.

I also want to thank God for really helping me through it all, being there for me every step of the way. At certain points in life, things can really seem very depressing. But it's good to know that there's someone who's there for me, even though not physically but in spirit. I'm grateful that he's brought me to where I am standing today and I know he has a plan for me in the future.

PTL.

There are only two kinds of people in the world: Those who wonder if there will be food on their tables the next day, and those who wonder if the world will have food on it's table the next day.

The problem with people is that everyone lives for themselves, well most of them do. I'm not trying to blow myself up by saying that I'm better than everyone else, but I think that people should stop looking at themselves as the center of the world and looking at the bigger picture. In the modern world of subjectivity and relativism, it's no wonder that everyone only thinks about themselves.

I've so much to say but I can't put my thoughts to words. It's depressing, the state that the world is in. I'm just at loss for words. Am I being delusional? Thinking that somehow I can change the hearts of people around me. Humans will always be humans, and as time goes by it seems everyone is degenerating further and further into our animalistic selves. The world is falling deeper and deeper into destruction. Even I myself am guilty.

"You might try saving yourself."

How Long's It Been?

So I'm finally back from Tekong. After 2 weeks of confinement. Wasn't as bad as I expected but a lot of things have changed, since I've had a lot of time to think during the 2 weeks. No doubt I still dread being enslaved to the government, but it seems a lot of the brainwashing as gotten to me. I'm just glad God has been there with me every step of the way. Life just isn't that easy to live.

It's easy when our lives are planned out for us. Play group, to nursery, to kindergarten, and so on. When we were young we often never had to make any tough decisions for ourselves. The mindset is that if you just do what you're told to do, everything will be fine. It's how most of us were brought up. For some of us, we never had a problem with that. We just do things people tell us to do, and hope for the best.

But some of us don't like being told what to do. We go against social norms; fight and question everything we're being told to do. Society often frowns upon these behavior and label them as "anti-social" because questioning authority is considered detrimental to society's progress. We grow up always trying to stray from the path of the norm, trying to make a life of our own. But it seems the reins of money and politics are being noosed around our necks so tightly that any attempt to stray too far from it will result in death, to our livelihood and survival.

Is that fair? I think not. But yet, what is a man to do when everyone around him, including his loved ones, constantly fill his minds with thoughts that it's something he "has to do" or that "it's (your) duty"? Are you God that you shall decide what I should do with my life? Or that enslavement and absolute control over a person's freedom is considered duty? How is that reasonable? Freedom for better food, and living conditions? Making the rooms brighter doesn't make it any less of a prison cell.

But being confined has actually resulted in some good. In terms of discipline, spiritual walk, and life direction. Things have become a little clearer, in some sense. My spiritual walk with God has strengthened a little bit, because I now depend more on Him to carry me through the various trials and problems I face in my life. Also I've done a little thinking about my future, and relationship with people. Especially those I really care about. So I can't say nothing good has come out of it. God always uses our lives for his benefit. I pray that He uses me as a light to my bunk mates that I might be a faithful servant in all my words and actions.

Life is wonderful.

Sometimes we seem to walk far, but we're stuck in the same spot.

So everything's going to change, big time. NS coming up, gonna meet new people. New kinds of people. New decisions, new phase of life. One thing that will never change, though, is that I have God walking with me along the way and I trust He will keep me.

But I hope I'll still keep in contact with my friends - the "chums" (still think it's a funny name..LOL), DMAT guys, Gladys, Wenjee, etc.. But who knows, everyone's always busy moving on, no one really has anymore time to take a step back and keep you up to date with their lives. We're all on a journey, sometimes we cross paths with people, sometimes they walk with us for a while and go on their way, others come into your life and are there all the way. But then there are those who've come and gone, but who are still on your mind. And no matter how far you walk, how many borders crossed, it seems you're still stuck in the same place. Wishing to turn back time and choose another route, because turning back never feels the same anymore.

But instead of regretting, it's best to learn from mistakes and change yourself to be a better person. Some people say doing so is moving on, but then again one can change but yet not move on. The heart is a funny thing, and everyday that passes I get colder and colder. Sometimes it all just seems so pointless, but I'm grateful that God is there to give me strength to pull through. That he put people in my life who I can open up and turn to.

Thanks Pat. :D

As the sky gets higher, hell gets deeper.

I don't really know who to blame. No one's really at fault. The world's just as it is. Everyone's the same, even I'm not excepted from the norm. Everyone wants to be heard....understood. But no one wants to lend others a ear, or a hand. We're all quick to point out others' flaws, and even quicker to voice our opinions. When someone asks "Are you alright?", they actually are thinking of "Ask me if I'm alright."

Sometimes it gets frustrating, when you just want to say something but no one listens. No one agrees with you, and everyone thinks you're wrong without even giving you a chance to try or trying to understand your position. You say something and they reply with a "yes, but.." It's the buts that really just kill you because what they're really trying to say is "Yes I agree, but you're wrong. It's never going to work."

Maybe that's why I always blow up at my loved ones and for friends who are much less tolerant I just redraw and not talk to anyone about anything. I know no one cares, everyone has too much in their lives to care about others' burdens. I get it. But it's not like I don't try. I'm not the best consoler or advice giver, but I do what I can. What's sad is that when everyone's done with you, they just push you aside.

So who's really at fault? Is it my fault for not opening up to others? My fault for relying on others for comfort? Or their fault for not wanting to listen? But life's too short to worry too much about such stuff. I guess the day that I finally break, and possibly run away, nobody would care anyway.

Listening..and If You CareTo Listen

We live in a selfish generation, no doubt about it. Everyone's so self-absorbed no one really has time for others anymore. Everyone thinks that they are important and what they have to say matters, that they disregard anyone else. People have opinions, but that's not the problem. The problem is when they think they're the only one with them.

I'm not saying EVERYONE is selfish. I generally disagree with the "selfish gene" theory, that evolution and self-preservation is the reason behind our anti-social behavior. I think that it's because everyone just wants to be heard and understood.

I was reading "The Lost Art of Listening" by Michael P. Nichols this morning. I managed to read only the first three chapters before I had to go meet Audrey. But that book shines a rather important light on why there is so much conflict in the world today. It also explains the importance of listening, and what listening ISN'T.

Everyone thinks they're good listeners, even I did. But after reading the book and re-examining prior conversations with people, I realized how untrue that was. But then looking back in my life, I realized the reason why I am how I am today (anti-social, quiet, etc) is because I felt nobody listened to me. All through the past 20 years of my life, only a couple of people I can say really bothered listening to me. And these people turned out to be the people I really shared my innermost thoughts with. Though at my current moment, I don't exactly have such a friend I can say that I really am able to open my heart to. Most of the time I'm just silent and listening (I admit sometimes I do feign interest though, I apologize to those people who feel that way).

Conflict and communication breakdowns all stem from one problem, poor listening. Most people take in what they hear and then color it with their own thoughts and ideas. And then they fight to express these ideas. Conversations nowadays, I find, is more of each person trying to fight for a chance to speak than actual listening. When someone recounts a depressing moment during their day, the other party, more often than not, just replies with a similar situation that happened to them, thinking that by doing so, they are expressing empathy.

Listening emcompasses more than just taking in information, it includes stepping into the other persons' shoes and thinking from their perspective, and showing true empathy. Giving advice that may work for you just goes to show that you're not looking at it from their point of view. Empathy is not something everyone has but it's something that can be developed.

There's so much more from the book that I've yet to read, and I'll try to find the book if possible for my personal perusal. I just want to say that, despite all that I've said in my previous post, I am no longer a vegetarian. I consider it a temporary meat fast. I did a lot of thinking and I realized that the whole vegetarian thing was for naught. Whatever I said I did it for, on second thought, wasn't really what drove me. And in the end what was a personal sacrifice ended up as religious ritual, which was not what I wanted it to become.

I guess it's not totally useless, but I find that being a vegetarian for the sake of being one is not what I want to do. I personally do not have any qualms for eating meat, and most certainly am not against killing for food. I am, though, against mistreatment of animals, and killing for unnecessary reasons, like for sport or vain fashion (fur, leather).

If you really are interested and want to understand me better, you can ask me. But be prepared to listen, because I am only willing to share if you are willing to listen.

Sleeping

Everybody needs a wake up call. I'm very thankful that God woke me up for the delusional life I was living all these while. Everybody knows that Christianity today is a dying thing. Christians don't act like they ought to; their lives do not exemplify Christ at all. Everyone's all about how God can fit into their lives and how convenient God is to them. We all know that we should sacrifice everything and rid ourselves of attachment to material things and follow God. All these head knowledge reside in the back of our minds and merely resurface and fall back into the deep every time this problem is brought up. But how many people actually realize that they are these types of Christians?

Most Christians always compare themselves to fellow Christians who are worse than them. They see those who sleep in the congregation during sermons, put Bibles on the floor, smoke, and use profanities and they tell themselves they are alright. They are the same people who give awkward eyes to those who raise their hands during worship and kneel down during prayer, and who talk about God on days other than Sunday. They bask in the glory of their own knowledge, often thinking, "I know the Bible from front to back, and I can answer every  theological question people throw at me." They equate knowing about God to knowing God.

I used to be such a Christian. I always look at my peers who say they are Christians and evaluate their lives based on what I see. And I tell myself that because I "know" more, that I am a better Christian than them. Then on Sundays I just sit on the pews and listen to the sermon, while my mind occasionally wanders elsewhere. And after service I can't wait to go home or go out and meet my friends, or if I have a project to do I will use that as an excuse. I never thought of sacrifice; I never thought of doing for God what I don't feel like doing. God only fit into my daily conveniences.

And whenever I talk to friends about God, I think that I'm doing the right thing. I feel a certain sense of pride because I am "spreading the Gospel" to the unsaved. Most of the time resulting up in endless logical debates, weaving in and out of personal belief systems and philosophies. I used to present God as a manifestation of my beliefs, that are congruent with what I think the bible says.

And then I always repeat the mantra of "Christianity is a relationship, not a religion", but never actual treating it like a real relationship. I always think about doing daily devotionals and putting aside time to pray, but never actually got around to doing it properly. And every small "conversation" I have with God during the day, I attribute it to prayer, not knowing that I was just telling God stuff but never listening at all.

I was, in fact, the perfect example of the type of people I used to judge as hypocrites - I was a hypocrite myself. I spent more time on the computer and reading other books than spending time with God and reading the bible. But God woke me up from this sleeping state of absorbing knowledge but not infusing it into my life.

Now that I am more aware of my actions in my day to day life, I can say that I'm trying to walk more closely with God. A lot of sacrifices have to be made, but in my mind I no longer feel any loss on my part but all my actions for God to be gain. I truly no longer have any more attachment to material things like money or any of my belongings. My conscious actions all gravitate toward to contribution to a greater goal and, ultimately, God.

There is this saying that struck me deep in my heart:

"Love begins where obligations end".

Right now my whole life is all about going the extra mile for God to help people. Sure, some things might slip out of my conscious decision to help others, but every opportunity I can I will try to give my all to help people. I believe this is the sort of Christian God wants us to be, not because we should suffer for the sake of denying ourselves of pleasure, but we should give with joy. This is true detachment from material things - being able to let go of things and just let it be.

This might seem like a judgement on all Christians out there, and it should be. You should wake up from your sleep and your comfort in your life and evaluate where you truly stand with God right now. Because the kingdom of heaven is not so simple as to believing you're better than everyone else. The following is a song to sum up everything I'm feeling now.

Why I Am

So I've been getting a lot of people asking me why I'm a vegetarian. It's not something I can explain to you in one sitting and it's not just one incident that suddenly just changed my whole mindset. I never actually sat down and listed out all my reasons why I chose this lifestyle, but since you guys (whoever asked me) want to know, I guess I'll just do it right now.

In order to begin organizing this whole mess in my head of the various reasons, I'll just start from the outside and work my way inward into my personal life. The destruction of our planet is one reason why I decide to be a vegetarian. There are so many negative effects meat production has on the planet, raising cattle, poultry and fishing, it's destroying our ecosystem. In addition to that the extent that farms go through to cut costs, packing animals into small enclosures, mistreatment of animals and ultimately the inhumane slaughtering of these animals. Plus the savagery of eating meat is just quite disturbing.

All the water, land and resources going to animal livestock is just not worth it. And then there's all the disease-causing elements in meat, talk about increasing lifespan. Most people think that the only nutrient you get from vegetables are carbohydrates, vitamins and fibers and very little protein, calcium, and iron. I've not really gone in-depth into studying this but I don't really buy it. Vegetarians can get their need nutrition for a balanced diet from a variety of foods, all of which that don't come with high-cholesterol, and diseases attached to it.

On the topic of the inhumane slaughtering of animals, it's not so much the killing of life that I'm against. What I'm against is the unreasonable and unnecessary killing of life. If I were absolutely against killing, I wouldn't even eat fruits and vegetables. I guess my biggest problem is the treatment of these farm animals. Whether it's for slaughter or even for farming their eggs and milk. For me, eggs is a strict no. I don't care whether it's alive or not, I care that animals have to suffer to give you eggs. For milk, it's another thing altogether. I'm not against drinking milk. In fact, if anything, dairy products SHOULD be in a vegetarian's diet. After all it's absurd to equate milk with life (if that's the case, breast-feeding would be cannibalism). But modern methods of obtaining milk are far from ethical. That's why I try to avoid dairy products as much as possible but not to the point of removing it from my diet. I'll still eat cereal with milk, but I wouldn't eat potato chips with cheese.

I believe that my actions have an effect on the world, no matter how small. Some people call it karma, some call it fate, god, the butterfly effect. I'd like to call it the natural flow of all things. This is the way God made the world. The scientific law of cause and effect is a parallel to everything having a cause and an effect - everything in the physical world that is. There's only one thing which is an unmoved mover, and that is the mind or the soul. Therefore even though my actions may not change the world, I refuse to add on to the destruction of the world. This is one of my beliefs in life, whether it's my livelihood, my religion or my basic everyday actions. I refuse to contribute to the System, I refuse to contribute to the downward spiral of religion, and I refuse to contribute to the collective stupidity in the world. This is how I live.

I believe that I am a spirit with flesh and soul. Therefore I have absolute control over my body and my mind, or I ought to have. So instead of living my life to serve my body, I make my body serve me instead. I take sufficient care of it to prolong my life, but I do not believe I have to serve it's every whim - hunger, fatigue or even sexual desires. My new lifestyle is more than just a physical thing, it's a mental thing. This new diet helps me in my self-control which then expresses itself in other areas of my life, which frees me from the bondage of the earthly desires.

Living healthy also opens a whole new dimension to living. I no longer feel hungry all the time, I can sleep better and my mind also seems clearer. I can stay awake for long hours without feeling tired. Although my sleep cycle is far from normal, I'm trying to switch it back to normal hours. I also feel clarity in my thoughts, I can think and reason better and organize my thoughts much better than before. It might just be a psychological thing, but it works for me.

I believe we were all created to subsist on fruits and vegetables and I would go as far as to say it's morally wrong to eat meat. But I wouldn't impose my beliefs onto other people, as in every other aspect of my life. I encourage people to go vegetarian but I'm not an elitist. There is no better or worse, it all comes down to how you want to live your life. If you want to eat meat, you will only live to face the consequences. I believe that the natural order of things will flow as it will. But just for the record, I don't have a problem with people eating meat, I only have a problem with people who have a problem with me being a vegetarian.

So now since I've addressed my reasons for being a vegetarian, let me go into why I don't see myself ever eating meat in the future. I'd be drawing parallels to Christianity, because "vegetarianism" is more than just a diet for me - it's a whole new lifestyle.

I've had people coming up to me asking me why don't I just be a vegetarian on selected days, and then eat meat on other days. The answer is simple. If you saw someone who was said he was a vegetarian eating meat, what would you think? Likewise if you saw someone who said he was a Christian praying to idols, what would you think? "The key to living is consistency." This is what I've always said and what I live by. If I said I was a vegetarian, but I ate meat in secret. Sooner or later the effects of this meat eating will come out in my life, if someone doesn't catch me it'll be some other thing such as high-cholesterol levels or some disease. This is something I cannot escape from. Likewise if I say that I'm a Christian, but I do "un-christianly" things in secret, sooner or later it's going to come out in my life, and people will find out. Hypocrisy is one of the most dangerous disease among other things in the human heart.

Some people don't get the whole point of being a vegetarian. They try to get away by getting caught in the technicalities of "vegetarianism". They argue over useless things like whether we should eat seafood or eggs or dairy products. I say we should err on the side of caution. Just like most people argue over whether Christians can go to clubs, and smoke and get tattoos. I say stop worrying about these technicalities and focus on the true spirit of Christianity. Most people choose their believes to suit their lifestyles. Whatever is most convenient, they do to make themselves feel better. "I'm a Christian, so I shouldn't steal and murder. But it's difficult not to tell lies, so I won't follow that commandment." Then they come up with various reasons to justify that. Some vegetarians find it hard to not include eggs and seafood in their diets, so they try to justify their reasons for doing so. For me, I adjust my lifestyle to suit my beliefs. If I belief that I shouldn't eat seafood, then I will not eat seafood no matter how tempting chilli crab may be.

Then again some people come up with reasons to justify NOT being a vegetarian, despite all the benefits. They say that being a vegetarian, they won't get the require nutrition they need for a balanced diet. Then they say that it's hard to find vegetarian food around. And then they start to try to convince you to not be a vegetarian too, as if I've never considered it on my own before. Likewise there are people who focus so much on the "do nots" of religion that they fail to see the overall benefits of being a Christian. And when their lifestyle catches up to them, they blame it on everything else - nature, God, people, fate. If you eat shellfish, you will risk getting Hepatitis. If you do, it's only because you ate the shellfish. But it's amazing how most people won't want to face the reality of the situation and they try to find all sorts of alternate reasons as to why they suffer so. These are symptoms of the blind and ignorant.

There is so much to say, but so little time. Being a vegetarian is not just something new in my life, but it's a reflection of my beliefs. So I can say the day that I stop being a vegetarian is the day I finally stop believing in anything else. This is why I am.

Decisions and Commitments

So after much consideration, I've decided to go on a vegetarian diet once again. This time will be much stricter than the last, but of course I won't take it to the point of starvation if I can't find any (real) vegetarian food around. For friends don't worry about me, I'll find my own food if we do hang out.

Don't ask me why I decide to be a vegetarian. I hate answering that question because any answer I give will be a judgement on my character, and most people won't understand anyway. I don't want to give false impressions (good or bad) on me as a person.

Anyway it seems like I'll have to make a few adjustments because it seems there are vegetarian food everywhere in Singapore but Bukit Batok. Most of them say they sell vegetarian food, but they serve eggs, seafood and mock meat (come on, if you want to eat meat just eat the real thing).

Just an update for now. Nothing major.

The Crazy Weather...in my head

Today is one of those days where I don't know what to think. It's like I just wake up and it's the same boring routine of going to the computer and watching YouTube videos, surfing forums and going to Digg to see what's new on current events. Not that I really give a crap about current events. I can say I'm pretty much willfully oblivious to the world around me, not the same as willful ignorance. But I just read up a little bit so that when people talk about it, I wouldn't have nothing to say.

My muse is still on her vacation. Looking forward to my trip down under. It'll be a new experience for me and hopefully Inspiration will find me there and I'll come back to Singapore with a whole new collection of songs and pictures. Might bring my guitar over to cure the boredom. Pack a few days worth of clothes and bring my guitar over, travel like a true musician.

Still unsure of what we'll really be doing there. It'll be my first time to Perth so everything would probably have the novelty factor to them. I guess I'll finally get to experience for myself how boring the place really is, as per what everyone who's been there says.

So I've been trying to stay in these few days too so I can cut down on my spending. As many people know (and still keep asking), I am not currently looking for a job. It's not because I'm lazy or irresponsible. It's just that I have plans for my life right now and there are things I want to get done before I don't have the time anymore. When I get into NS, I might not be able to produce my EP which I have been conceptualizing since Year 2. It's been so long, and I want to get it done. Though some might think that I'm wasting time because I don't write every day. It's because my brain is dry right now. Perhaps I need to get out there and expose my mind to the world again, being cooped up in my room is quite counter-productive.

Maybe I should just go out and read, do some people-watching, and perhaps people-talking. Spend some "me" time. But then again, my finances do not allow me to do so. I have to watch my spending and hope I have enough cash to spend on Australia. I don't want to rely too much on my family if I can. I'm a big boy now.

So I submitted "Moment" to the SOUL Songwriting Competition which is organized by FaithActs and if I remember correctly, the judging/voting will commence tomorrow (or today). I really hope I can win at least one of the top 3 spots (which means extra spending munniez, yeah!). But honestly I don't want it to be a popularity contest, even though I know most people who enter the contest will just ask their friends to vote for them. However, due to personal integrity, I'll just let people know of the contest and vote for whoever they think is the best (which I hope would be mine :D)

It's 6 in the morning and I'm still awake, pondering on important questions in life such as why on earth are there people who think Lil Wayne is a good rapper. Seriously, I've tried listening to his stuff and his rhymes and I still can't find anything good about it. He has no flow (unless you call the way a mud-filled sludge river flows smooth), no skills, and he doesn't even have much witticism. I am confuzzled as to why people even have to debate who would win in a freestyle battle between Lil Wayne and Eminem. Not to be biased even though I'm a hardcore fan of Mr. Mathers, but he's still the best at what he does. I know there's no such thing as best, but you know what I mean. He'd kill Weezy with just 4 bars.

Since I'm on the topic of rap music (apparently I've been told hip-hop and rap are two totally different things), I'd like to give a shout-out to all my favorite rappers out there (although I know none of them would ever read this). The list goes:

Eminem
NaS
Jay-Z
DMX
Mos Def
Jin
Talib Kweli
Vinnie Paz of Jedi Mind Tricks
Immortal Technique
Wu-Tang Clan
and
Lupe Fiasco

I'm going to go sleep now. Enjoy! Hip-hop's not dead! Peace.

Politics

I've always been one to be complaining about the system, how we shouldn't fall into it and all that. Perhaps largely due to a certain person's influence coupled with my laziness. It's not that I'm still against the system or that I've totally changed my beliefs. If I believe in something it's because I usually have strong reasons to do so, it's not because I am closed-minded, it's because I usually try to find out as much facts before judging anything or anyone. I try not to be so quick to judge people. Some might think that just because I've been a Christian for so many years, that I am being closed-minded. It's hilarious to the point that I would just ignore that certain comment.

Anyway back to talking about the system, it's actually much bigger than we would imagine. This system I hate so much is the the political, educational, economical, religious and social system. And it's bigger than just Singapore alone, it concerns the entire world. It's more than what a few protests can change. I was never a person to fight the system, and I wouldn't dream of changing the system. I have no better alternatives to present to people; I personally wouldn't make a good leader. But as I've always said, and the reason why I'm against the system, that the cause of all the world's problems is the human condition, or as the yogis would put it - the body-consciousness of people. It's not something anyone can change overnight, and it's not something that anyone can achieve. You can't change the hearts of people, and that's the reason why the System will always be flawed. That's why I never liked talking about politics and change, solely because I don't believe anything would work.

Instead of talking about changing external things why don't we work to change ourselves first? Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror speaks precisely and truly on this topic, yet most people just sing the words but don't take it seriously. Talk about revolution is just a bunch of bullshit, there's no point replacing a flawed system with another flawed system without removing the root of the problem in the first place.

Many people are ignorant to this fact and that's why they find it impossible to imagine a heaven; a utopia. Their world view and mindset is limited (intentionally) to what they see around them, the physical world and the world System right in front of them, time, space and subjectivity. They are unable to perceive or accept anything outside their senses, no matter how logical. These people are the true closed-minded people. They talk a lot of air, which have no substance.

When I say the reason why I don't talk much because I believe that if someone has nothing of substance to say, it's better that he doesn't speak at all, I was saying it in half-jest. Everyone just laughed it off, because all their lives they've been taught to speak words of no value; that it's better to be the empty vessel that makes a lot of noise than the wise man of few words. I'm not trying to be pretentious, I just don't subscribe to the post-modernistic world view of ignorance. I refuse to be stupid, to put it bluntly.

Science teaches us about the body, Philosophy teaches us about the mind and Spirituality teaches us about the heart. It is these three aspects that make us who were are, unfortunately most people stop at the first aspect. They think they are just a body, they study science and accept scientific theory as truth. They rely so much on their senses and their lives are merely guided by the natural world around them. They let circumstances decide how they should live their lives instead of taking it by the reins and living as how they should or would. So don't tell me how to live my life, don't tell me to live my life the way you do because that's not living.

Age

I have no idea how to start this topic on age. But I have so much to say regarding this topic. I realized the world is getting younger and younger. In the past where people had to start working at a tender age of 12, in this current generation people are still studying at the age of 20 and living under their parents' care. I'm not excluded from this category and I'm not exactly very proud of it. But circumstances force me to. If there weren't National Service to serve I would be doing something totally different with my life. Somehow I'd rather get past this stage of my life and just jump straight into living life like I always wanted. The most I can do now is to prepare for that.

One reason why most people don't want to grow up is because they don't want to take responsibility for their life, and our current state encourages that sort of thing. Society no longer forces children to take up the yoke of society and earn that keep. Good or bad, it's not a clear black and white thing but one consequence is that people's mentality are getting more and more immature. People still want to party and enjoy life when they should be thinking about their future and what they want to do in their life. And some people just keep on studying and studying, trying to stay within the education system to avoid going out into the working world...and when they finally do, they cannot handle it.

I wouldn't say I'm the most mature or responsible person around, but I try. And from my point of view, a lot of people around me are just plain lazy. I admire my friends who have to actually work to survive, not that I condone the system but I find that in a way they are more responsible than the people who live off their parents. I understand that it's a big change and adjustment we have to take, but it's a change I'm trying to work towards.

But I guess the whole point of this is not to encourage people to start working at a young age. I find that most people's outlook on life is very immature and ignorant, and that includes many working adults too. All they live for is to earn money so that they can accumulate more material possessions in an effort to be happy. I've always said there's only two ways to obtain enough - one is to obtain more, and the other is to desire less. From what I see of the people around me, most of them are trying to avoid life. They just want to live free without consequences, and they just brush everything aside and do as they please. These people change their beliefs to suit their lifestyles instead of changing their lifestyles to suit their beliefs; effectively elevating themselves to the status of gods (of their own lives).

These people are quick to come up with opinions and world views, but can't be bothered to find out the truth. They just say they believe in this and that, or just treat religion as a buffet spread to pick and choose and not even bothering to seek the truth. And when their views are challenged they just fall back to the age-old line of defense, "it's what I believe in" or "why do you bother to think so much". It's not that I think too much, is that society has conditioned you to think too little and to think about unimportant things that would not matter ultimately when you die.

Life is not a river that you float on and finally fall off a cliff into nothingness. There are consequences and there are truths to be found out. Because when the time comes and you finally have to stand before God, ignorance will not be a valid excuse.

This is the Moment.

Just got my results. Not too happy but not too sad either. I didn't do badly, but I didn't do too well either. Nothing to do with this semester, just looking back at my year one results where I had like 2.1 GPA. Haha. If it's any time to reminisce it'd be now. Looking back at how my past three years in DMAT has gone, seeing God's hand in my life and meeting new people has been rather amazing. So many things has happened, people who were there came and went, and finally where I am now - leaving DMAT with this bunch of crazy people. I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's been an emotional roller-coaster even the past few weeks, but I just have to keep trudging on knee-deep in the mud of life. Looks like history always repeats itself, sooner or later you lose your closest friends to other people when you finally find a group where you belong. We are all searching for a place to fit in, a place to find comfort and solace. Sometimes it takes a long time to find that, but you're glad you do.

There's just too much to express, but I thank God for pulling me through and bringing me to where I am today. PTL.

What Am I Doing Wrong?

We're all seeking to be happy, that is the chief end of all man. But why is it no matter how hard I try to be happy, I always end up on the other side of the spectrum? No matter how much I try to convince myself to stay happy, life always seems to go the other way. Perhaps I only have myself to blame for all this; it's my fault that all these befall me. If I weren't this pretentious prick and more people-pleasing, perhaps people would like me better. But I guess it goes against everything that I am and stand for.

But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. The pain is seeping from my soul into my flesh, and it hurts so much. All I need is a friend, but then again I never trust friends to be there when I need them, and I don't expect that from people around me anyway because I can never promise to be there when they need me, if they ever need me.

I'd be lying if I said I don't need friends. We all need to be around others, we need physical connection and emotional support. But when these fail you, there's nothing you can do. The only solution is to numb myself to emotions, but if I had a choice I don't want to. Damn circumstances that force you to do things you don't want to do.

It seems to more I strive to achieve happiness to more she eludes me; the more I seek Love, the more she runs away. Everything just seems to bleak, so black. All I can do is to sit here and stare into emptiness, and just submerge myself into my mind; tuck myself into the corners of my mind. I don't like it there, but it's comforting enough.

I want to believe that there's something good waiting for me on the other side. But the longer I stay awake, the less I believe in it. I wish there was nothing on the other side. I hate playing this game, it's too cruel.

It's Over

Graduation show is finally over, not that I want it to be but I guess time just keeps moving forward. The past week leading up to yesterday was awesome, even with all the tension in the air. Felt like I was a rock star, everything was so surreal. The rehearsals, preparation and performance. And when I woke up this morning I felt like a normal person again.

Looks like another chapter in my life is closed once again. No matter how much I want to maintain friendships they're bound to be broken and die in time to come. Some people that I'll probably never meet again in my life. The next chapter is NS. I don't know what it'll be like and I don't particularly look forward to it but I guess I'm not really against going in either. Feels like it's just another phase in my life that I'll go through and then move on from there into life.

A lot of things going through my mind now that is bigger than I (or anyone can solve).

All We Need Is...

We all try to be happy, but it's really hard especially when the loneliness kicks in. Sometimes I wish someone would just sit beside me without saying a word, but just to keep me company. It's hard being alone, everyone needs a little love; everyone needs to love.

Is it possible to love something that you want to love? What exactly is love that we all want to experience? Why is it the greatest of all virtues, even above Joy. Isn't the goal of all men to seek happiness, and isn't love a means to an end (joy) or is it something else? It might be that there's something about Love that we've yet to experience. If God is Love, perhaps the key to understanding love is to understand God.

The feeling that we call Love is not a decision, we don't decide to feel emotionally attracted to someone or something. There must be a certain characteristic or experience with that object or person in order to trigger this emotional response. How do we achieve that? There are some things and people in life that we ought to love but yet we don't love them. Instead we love what we ought to hate, how is it possible that that which is worthy of love doesn't possess the characteristics that encourages love, but we enjoy surround ourselves which that we is evil.

Perhaps to love is to go against all human desires. Love what you hate, and hate what you love. But then it would be mere duty and decision if we choose to love what we hate, and lacking in the true virtue emotionally.

I used to think that Love was an action. To show love; to be loving. But I realized that actions without the emotions were meaningless - to love your enemies out of duty wasn't showing love. How then shall we love that which we do not love, but ought to love?

Love cannot be decided, but yet the bible commands it.

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. - Luke 10:27


People always tell me to love God is to do this and do that, and God will "awaken" your heart to love him. But shouldn't love come from our heart and not from God? Love stemming from gratitude and affections from the self to give praise to God, isn't that real Love?

I believe that there's so much more to learn about love, and I pray God will teach me how to love.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field. - Matthew 13:44

Snake in the Woodpile

I used to think the worst
snake in the woodpile
was the one my dad killed
when I was a little girl,
playing on a stack of firewood

It was a bold memory that
never left me.
I still see myself dancing
and hopping around
squealing
“kill it, daddy, kill it!”
Fear is a strong memory
making that snake the worst
there was in my life

Until you.

I found there are worse
snakes in woodpiles
than copperheads and rattlesnakes
and things that go bump in the night
when I met
you.

Nan C, 1986

In Retrospect

When we're free from responsibilities it's so much easier to talk about how you won't give in and live in the system. But when the time actually comes and people around you keep putting pressure on you, sometimes you just want to give in so that you can shut them up.


People just don't understand, people from older generations especially. They think that since they've lived longer than you, naturally they're more experienced and know more than you. No one ever thinks that they've been living blindly they're entire lives - or at least they don't want to admit it.


I'll admit when it comes to the area of further studies, money is an issue. I get it, you need money to study but it's not like I have to worry about it all the time. I've made necessary preparations and I've entrusted my future to God. But when I'm not worrying, people around me keep reminding me of how I've not enough money, and how uncertain the future is for me - and then they turn it around and tell me to trust God, my parents specifically.


I've my future kind of planned out. Doesn't mean that if I don't know the exact details of where I'm going or what I'm going to do, then my future isn't secure. It seems that they still don't trust me. They've got good intentions, I get it. But my life is ultimately in my hands, and it's annoying when they keep pushing me in the direction they want me to go in.


My plan is to do whatever it takes to live my life and not owe anything to anyone. I want to live free, but people think that the only way to achieve that end is to earn as much money as possible. I believe the exact opposite, the more money you obtain, the deeper you fall into the pit in which you will never be able to get out of. I know that money is still important to survive, yes - for food, shelter and education. But if money's all you worry about, I guess you forget the other important things in life (or post-life).


I'd like to think that life's too short to worry and accumulate all these things that you forget the most important thing in life. Sure, life is not THAT short to live carelessly. But if you tread lightly everyday, sooner or later the net's going to fall on you from above. It's better to just walk the path and be on your guard, and trust that God will be your keeper. This is my philosophy, this is what I believe in. Nobody will understand how I feel, and perhaps that's the very reason why I don't share my life with people. Everyone's quick to judge those who think differently, not knowing that perhaps what they regard as normalcy is actually blind ignorance.


But I know it's impossible for people who care about me to give up worry so easily. But I'd just take it and assure them that everything's going to be alright. I've found joy in God, and nothing can take that away from me. I know my calling in life, I've seen the big picture. I've seen where God has led me till this very day, and where he leads me to next, I don't know. But I know it's a good place to be in.


Perhaps the very day that I find myself starving in the cold, with no place to go, will be the day that I might change my mind on how I'll live my life. But until God no longer provides, I will keep trusting in him.

Happiness

Looking at life through a narrow lens, life sure seems tough and depressing. Perhaps that's the side of me I always put out to people. Always stressing over how life is hard, and the world is evil. It's the truth, and I'm a realist in that sense. But what people don't know about me is that I see a bigger picture in life, through a wide-angled lens if you will. When I look at the painting of Life, I see a beautiful picture; I see God's fingerprints and sovereignty. Sure, in certain specific moments my emotions may not reflect that mentality, but it's knowing that God is always in control always helps me to let go and move on. And I believe that is the true Joy of living.

Joy doesn't mean that you are happy all the time, smiling and laughing. Joy is never giving up hope in every situation, never letting worry get to your head, and always looking on the bright side of things. Even in gloomy despair of life, God's glory always shines through, always pulls me through.

The problem is people living in time, see the world through time; they live with eyes, and they can only see the world through their eyes. They are unable to take themselves out of the world. Everything is about "what's happening this moment to me", and never about "what is happening". I doubt most people will get the distinction between the two phrases.

Some people choose to live under the mantra of "ignorance is bliss". But are you really ignorant, or just choosing to ignore. They think that the world works under the "if I don't believe in it, then it doesn't apply to me" mentality. What most people fail to realize is that the truth is not as such. Even if I refuse to agree with and believe in our judicial system, the fact that I'm living in the system puts me under the jurisdiction of ruling parties, whether or not I choose to believe in it. The problem is that everybody just wants to be free from guilt and consequences, oft giving excuses to evade the real problem at hand.

Blaise Pascal once wrote,

"All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves."

True, isn't it? But why is there still so much unhappiness in this world? Even though everybody past and present spends their life trying to achieve this goal. What is wrong? The problem is pride. We live our lives as though we are Gods and refuse to give control to the Maker. Some even numb their hearts and minds to the existence of He who gave them breath. They refuse to follow His path to happiness and have the cheek to blame God for all the unhappiness? The transgressions they commit against God is seemingly infinite. And they say the punishment does not fit the crime. The amount of gratitude and glory to which God is due is immense; infinite, so isn't it fair that contrary to that be infinite punishment?

Everyone seeks bliss in the now, but I choose to acknowledge the sorrow of the now but hope for eternal Joy. Choosing to ignore the truth will only blind your hearts, and ultimately lead to your destruction. I bring not words of sorrow but of Joy for there is hope yet - hope in God.