Age

I have no idea how to start this topic on age. But I have so much to say regarding this topic. I realized the world is getting younger and younger. In the past where people had to start working at a tender age of 12, in this current generation people are still studying at the age of 20 and living under their parents' care. I'm not excluded from this category and I'm not exactly very proud of it. But circumstances force me to. If there weren't National Service to serve I would be doing something totally different with my life. Somehow I'd rather get past this stage of my life and just jump straight into living life like I always wanted. The most I can do now is to prepare for that.

One reason why most people don't want to grow up is because they don't want to take responsibility for their life, and our current state encourages that sort of thing. Society no longer forces children to take up the yoke of society and earn that keep. Good or bad, it's not a clear black and white thing but one consequence is that people's mentality are getting more and more immature. People still want to party and enjoy life when they should be thinking about their future and what they want to do in their life. And some people just keep on studying and studying, trying to stay within the education system to avoid going out into the working world...and when they finally do, they cannot handle it.

I wouldn't say I'm the most mature or responsible person around, but I try. And from my point of view, a lot of people around me are just plain lazy. I admire my friends who have to actually work to survive, not that I condone the system but I find that in a way they are more responsible than the people who live off their parents. I understand that it's a big change and adjustment we have to take, but it's a change I'm trying to work towards.

But I guess the whole point of this is not to encourage people to start working at a young age. I find that most people's outlook on life is very immature and ignorant, and that includes many working adults too. All they live for is to earn money so that they can accumulate more material possessions in an effort to be happy. I've always said there's only two ways to obtain enough - one is to obtain more, and the other is to desire less. From what I see of the people around me, most of them are trying to avoid life. They just want to live free without consequences, and they just brush everything aside and do as they please. These people change their beliefs to suit their lifestyles instead of changing their lifestyles to suit their beliefs; effectively elevating themselves to the status of gods (of their own lives).

These people are quick to come up with opinions and world views, but can't be bothered to find out the truth. They just say they believe in this and that, or just treat religion as a buffet spread to pick and choose and not even bothering to seek the truth. And when their views are challenged they just fall back to the age-old line of defense, "it's what I believe in" or "why do you bother to think so much". It's not that I think too much, is that society has conditioned you to think too little and to think about unimportant things that would not matter ultimately when you die.

Life is not a river that you float on and finally fall off a cliff into nothingness. There are consequences and there are truths to be found out. Because when the time comes and you finally have to stand before God, ignorance will not be a valid excuse.

This is the Moment.

Just got my results. Not too happy but not too sad either. I didn't do badly, but I didn't do too well either. Nothing to do with this semester, just looking back at my year one results where I had like 2.1 GPA. Haha. If it's any time to reminisce it'd be now. Looking back at how my past three years in DMAT has gone, seeing God's hand in my life and meeting new people has been rather amazing. So many things has happened, people who were there came and went, and finally where I am now - leaving DMAT with this bunch of crazy people. I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's been an emotional roller-coaster even the past few weeks, but I just have to keep trudging on knee-deep in the mud of life. Looks like history always repeats itself, sooner or later you lose your closest friends to other people when you finally find a group where you belong. We are all searching for a place to fit in, a place to find comfort and solace. Sometimes it takes a long time to find that, but you're glad you do.

There's just too much to express, but I thank God for pulling me through and bringing me to where I am today. PTL.

What Am I Doing Wrong?

We're all seeking to be happy, that is the chief end of all man. But why is it no matter how hard I try to be happy, I always end up on the other side of the spectrum? No matter how much I try to convince myself to stay happy, life always seems to go the other way. Perhaps I only have myself to blame for all this; it's my fault that all these befall me. If I weren't this pretentious prick and more people-pleasing, perhaps people would like me better. But I guess it goes against everything that I am and stand for.

But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. The pain is seeping from my soul into my flesh, and it hurts so much. All I need is a friend, but then again I never trust friends to be there when I need them, and I don't expect that from people around me anyway because I can never promise to be there when they need me, if they ever need me.

I'd be lying if I said I don't need friends. We all need to be around others, we need physical connection and emotional support. But when these fail you, there's nothing you can do. The only solution is to numb myself to emotions, but if I had a choice I don't want to. Damn circumstances that force you to do things you don't want to do.

It seems to more I strive to achieve happiness to more she eludes me; the more I seek Love, the more she runs away. Everything just seems to bleak, so black. All I can do is to sit here and stare into emptiness, and just submerge myself into my mind; tuck myself into the corners of my mind. I don't like it there, but it's comforting enough.

I want to believe that there's something good waiting for me on the other side. But the longer I stay awake, the less I believe in it. I wish there was nothing on the other side. I hate playing this game, it's too cruel.

It's Over

Graduation show is finally over, not that I want it to be but I guess time just keeps moving forward. The past week leading up to yesterday was awesome, even with all the tension in the air. Felt like I was a rock star, everything was so surreal. The rehearsals, preparation and performance. And when I woke up this morning I felt like a normal person again.

Looks like another chapter in my life is closed once again. No matter how much I want to maintain friendships they're bound to be broken and die in time to come. Some people that I'll probably never meet again in my life. The next chapter is NS. I don't know what it'll be like and I don't particularly look forward to it but I guess I'm not really against going in either. Feels like it's just another phase in my life that I'll go through and then move on from there into life.

A lot of things going through my mind now that is bigger than I (or anyone can solve).

All We Need Is...

We all try to be happy, but it's really hard especially when the loneliness kicks in. Sometimes I wish someone would just sit beside me without saying a word, but just to keep me company. It's hard being alone, everyone needs a little love; everyone needs to love.

Is it possible to love something that you want to love? What exactly is love that we all want to experience? Why is it the greatest of all virtues, even above Joy. Isn't the goal of all men to seek happiness, and isn't love a means to an end (joy) or is it something else? It might be that there's something about Love that we've yet to experience. If God is Love, perhaps the key to understanding love is to understand God.

The feeling that we call Love is not a decision, we don't decide to feel emotionally attracted to someone or something. There must be a certain characteristic or experience with that object or person in order to trigger this emotional response. How do we achieve that? There are some things and people in life that we ought to love but yet we don't love them. Instead we love what we ought to hate, how is it possible that that which is worthy of love doesn't possess the characteristics that encourages love, but we enjoy surround ourselves which that we is evil.

Perhaps to love is to go against all human desires. Love what you hate, and hate what you love. But then it would be mere duty and decision if we choose to love what we hate, and lacking in the true virtue emotionally.

I used to think that Love was an action. To show love; to be loving. But I realized that actions without the emotions were meaningless - to love your enemies out of duty wasn't showing love. How then shall we love that which we do not love, but ought to love?

Love cannot be decided, but yet the bible commands it.

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. - Luke 10:27


People always tell me to love God is to do this and do that, and God will "awaken" your heart to love him. But shouldn't love come from our heart and not from God? Love stemming from gratitude and affections from the self to give praise to God, isn't that real Love?

I believe that there's so much more to learn about love, and I pray God will teach me how to love.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field. - Matthew 13:44

Snake in the Woodpile

I used to think the worst
snake in the woodpile
was the one my dad killed
when I was a little girl,
playing on a stack of firewood

It was a bold memory that
never left me.
I still see myself dancing
and hopping around
squealing
“kill it, daddy, kill it!”
Fear is a strong memory
making that snake the worst
there was in my life

Until you.

I found there are worse
snakes in woodpiles
than copperheads and rattlesnakes
and things that go bump in the night
when I met
you.

Nan C, 1986

In Retrospect

When we're free from responsibilities it's so much easier to talk about how you won't give in and live in the system. But when the time actually comes and people around you keep putting pressure on you, sometimes you just want to give in so that you can shut them up.


People just don't understand, people from older generations especially. They think that since they've lived longer than you, naturally they're more experienced and know more than you. No one ever thinks that they've been living blindly they're entire lives - or at least they don't want to admit it.


I'll admit when it comes to the area of further studies, money is an issue. I get it, you need money to study but it's not like I have to worry about it all the time. I've made necessary preparations and I've entrusted my future to God. But when I'm not worrying, people around me keep reminding me of how I've not enough money, and how uncertain the future is for me - and then they turn it around and tell me to trust God, my parents specifically.


I've my future kind of planned out. Doesn't mean that if I don't know the exact details of where I'm going or what I'm going to do, then my future isn't secure. It seems that they still don't trust me. They've got good intentions, I get it. But my life is ultimately in my hands, and it's annoying when they keep pushing me in the direction they want me to go in.


My plan is to do whatever it takes to live my life and not owe anything to anyone. I want to live free, but people think that the only way to achieve that end is to earn as much money as possible. I believe the exact opposite, the more money you obtain, the deeper you fall into the pit in which you will never be able to get out of. I know that money is still important to survive, yes - for food, shelter and education. But if money's all you worry about, I guess you forget the other important things in life (or post-life).


I'd like to think that life's too short to worry and accumulate all these things that you forget the most important thing in life. Sure, life is not THAT short to live carelessly. But if you tread lightly everyday, sooner or later the net's going to fall on you from above. It's better to just walk the path and be on your guard, and trust that God will be your keeper. This is my philosophy, this is what I believe in. Nobody will understand how I feel, and perhaps that's the very reason why I don't share my life with people. Everyone's quick to judge those who think differently, not knowing that perhaps what they regard as normalcy is actually blind ignorance.


But I know it's impossible for people who care about me to give up worry so easily. But I'd just take it and assure them that everything's going to be alright. I've found joy in God, and nothing can take that away from me. I know my calling in life, I've seen the big picture. I've seen where God has led me till this very day, and where he leads me to next, I don't know. But I know it's a good place to be in.


Perhaps the very day that I find myself starving in the cold, with no place to go, will be the day that I might change my mind on how I'll live my life. But until God no longer provides, I will keep trusting in him.

Happiness

Looking at life through a narrow lens, life sure seems tough and depressing. Perhaps that's the side of me I always put out to people. Always stressing over how life is hard, and the world is evil. It's the truth, and I'm a realist in that sense. But what people don't know about me is that I see a bigger picture in life, through a wide-angled lens if you will. When I look at the painting of Life, I see a beautiful picture; I see God's fingerprints and sovereignty. Sure, in certain specific moments my emotions may not reflect that mentality, but it's knowing that God is always in control always helps me to let go and move on. And I believe that is the true Joy of living.

Joy doesn't mean that you are happy all the time, smiling and laughing. Joy is never giving up hope in every situation, never letting worry get to your head, and always looking on the bright side of things. Even in gloomy despair of life, God's glory always shines through, always pulls me through.

The problem is people living in time, see the world through time; they live with eyes, and they can only see the world through their eyes. They are unable to take themselves out of the world. Everything is about "what's happening this moment to me", and never about "what is happening". I doubt most people will get the distinction between the two phrases.

Some people choose to live under the mantra of "ignorance is bliss". But are you really ignorant, or just choosing to ignore. They think that the world works under the "if I don't believe in it, then it doesn't apply to me" mentality. What most people fail to realize is that the truth is not as such. Even if I refuse to agree with and believe in our judicial system, the fact that I'm living in the system puts me under the jurisdiction of ruling parties, whether or not I choose to believe in it. The problem is that everybody just wants to be free from guilt and consequences, oft giving excuses to evade the real problem at hand.

Blaise Pascal once wrote,

"All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves."

True, isn't it? But why is there still so much unhappiness in this world? Even though everybody past and present spends their life trying to achieve this goal. What is wrong? The problem is pride. We live our lives as though we are Gods and refuse to give control to the Maker. Some even numb their hearts and minds to the existence of He who gave them breath. They refuse to follow His path to happiness and have the cheek to blame God for all the unhappiness? The transgressions they commit against God is seemingly infinite. And they say the punishment does not fit the crime. The amount of gratitude and glory to which God is due is immense; infinite, so isn't it fair that contrary to that be infinite punishment?

Everyone seeks bliss in the now, but I choose to acknowledge the sorrow of the now but hope for eternal Joy. Choosing to ignore the truth will only blind your hearts, and ultimately lead to your destruction. I bring not words of sorrow but of Joy for there is hope yet - hope in God.