In Retrospect

When we're free from responsibilities it's so much easier to talk about how you won't give in and live in the system. But when the time actually comes and people around you keep putting pressure on you, sometimes you just want to give in so that you can shut them up.


People just don't understand, people from older generations especially. They think that since they've lived longer than you, naturally they're more experienced and know more than you. No one ever thinks that they've been living blindly they're entire lives - or at least they don't want to admit it.


I'll admit when it comes to the area of further studies, money is an issue. I get it, you need money to study but it's not like I have to worry about it all the time. I've made necessary preparations and I've entrusted my future to God. But when I'm not worrying, people around me keep reminding me of how I've not enough money, and how uncertain the future is for me - and then they turn it around and tell me to trust God, my parents specifically.


I've my future kind of planned out. Doesn't mean that if I don't know the exact details of where I'm going or what I'm going to do, then my future isn't secure. It seems that they still don't trust me. They've got good intentions, I get it. But my life is ultimately in my hands, and it's annoying when they keep pushing me in the direction they want me to go in.


My plan is to do whatever it takes to live my life and not owe anything to anyone. I want to live free, but people think that the only way to achieve that end is to earn as much money as possible. I believe the exact opposite, the more money you obtain, the deeper you fall into the pit in which you will never be able to get out of. I know that money is still important to survive, yes - for food, shelter and education. But if money's all you worry about, I guess you forget the other important things in life (or post-life).


I'd like to think that life's too short to worry and accumulate all these things that you forget the most important thing in life. Sure, life is not THAT short to live carelessly. But if you tread lightly everyday, sooner or later the net's going to fall on you from above. It's better to just walk the path and be on your guard, and trust that God will be your keeper. This is my philosophy, this is what I believe in. Nobody will understand how I feel, and perhaps that's the very reason why I don't share my life with people. Everyone's quick to judge those who think differently, not knowing that perhaps what they regard as normalcy is actually blind ignorance.


But I know it's impossible for people who care about me to give up worry so easily. But I'd just take it and assure them that everything's going to be alright. I've found joy in God, and nothing can take that away from me. I know my calling in life, I've seen the big picture. I've seen where God has led me till this very day, and where he leads me to next, I don't know. But I know it's a good place to be in.


Perhaps the very day that I find myself starving in the cold, with no place to go, will be the day that I might change my mind on how I'll live my life. But until God no longer provides, I will keep trusting in him.