What I Am

God indeed never fails to amaze.

Finally picked up "Desiring God" today and started to read. The book (along with ten other unread books, and two half-read books) was sitting in my room for the longest time. I've decided to turn everything around, and change my life. To seek the ultimate pleasure in God is my life's goal, as Piper puts it - a Christian Hedonist.

Out of the ashes and into his glory, I am born again. I will always be eternally grateful to the Father who has been there with me through the ups and downs of my life, never forsaking me. PTL (Praise the Lord).

"The chief end of Man is to glorify God - by enjoying him forever." - Westminster Shorter Catechism, circa 1647

and so it will be my goal to enjoy God and thus glorifying the Most High.

Going Down Memory Lane

So yesterday was kinda the last day of school, handed in Arranging assignment on Monday go I'm scot-free. But i'm not really as excited as I should be. I need to write stuff seriously. Plus something someone said triggered my "emo" state. I don't blame him for it, though. I really need the motivation to write stuff anyway.

I went back to listening to a lot of hip-hop - stuff from Shady, JMT, Immortal Tech, Jay, and Tupac. Trying to get inspiration to write again. I also went to look back at my old rhymes. I must say I did write some pretty sick disses back then, but then again I also feel back for dissing people. I was so immature back then, haha. But at least I dissed with style.

Since I was walking on memory lane, I decided to go back even further - back to my sec 2 posts (by the way, if you're wondering, the posts aren't on this blog. You can't find them anymore) and for the first time in my life I feel like punching 2004 Jethro, sending a fist through the space-time continuum to sock my past self. I had horrible grammar and spelling and I swore like a sailor. Seriously, I don't remember all that crap.

Looking back at all those stuff, I don't remember most of them. Might be suppressed memories because those aren't really very happy ones. But I'm grateful I decided to write a blog back then, cuz then in the future (like now) I can go back relive my past memories. Haha. It's interesting to see how much I've changed, and even reading the first rhyme I ever wrote (it was me dissing one of my classmates, who happens to be a really good acquaintance of mine now, not friend cuz we don't talk much, but it's cool between us).

I also realized how come I didn't get the girl of my dreams back then in sec 3, because I was a whiny little (excuse the french) bitch back then. Such a wuss. If I could I'd give past Jethro a second punch right now.

But I'm glad I wrote some stuff, I might use some of my old material in songs (I did write a few good sets of lyrics back then apart from raps). I'm one awesome dude.

Detachment

It seems everything has changed once again. I've looked back, and reminisced. If I could, I would go back exactly one year ago in my life but as who I am right now. Things would be very different. But I guess there's no point regretting so I'm trying my best to move on. Things in my life has changed once again, and now I feel lonelier than ever. But I'm kinda used to it. I gained friends and grew too attached to this whole friendship thing I became weak. Learning to detach myself from people is going to be a tough process, but it's only for the better.

They say no man's an island and I agree. What we should be is independent and interdependent, but what most of us are are dependent or co-dependent. It takes a lot to cut off my emotions from everyone around me but I have to do it if I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's killing me slowly on the inside. Perhaps the secret to experiencing Joy is to remove emotions from the picture, only then will you be able to be happy in every situation; only then will you be truly able to experience Joy in God.

The answer has always been in my face all this while, but I took so long to realize this. I will be there for my friends and enjoy my company, but the moment they leave me I won't grow emotionally attached to them and move on. This is reality, and reality is always sad.

Relationships

We live we die. Friends come and go; old friendships broken and new bonds are forged. Perhaps the saying is true: People hate it when you change because old ways of manipulating you no longer work. It's a sad reality that all these while we delude ourselves into thinking friendships last forever. The only thing that lasts forever is God. I'm learning to move on and not go back to the past because there's no use going back. Everyone, including you, is easily replaceable. The moment you turn your back for a minute your friends run off with another person, leaving you stranded to find new friends.

And worse of all, people you think were your friends are just as such for pretenses. Under all the agenda and veils of lies they really hate you. They hate you for being who you are, they hate you for standing up for what you believe in, they hate you for you. They start talking behind your back while acting as if they accept you. The hypocrisy is disgusting. So much for friendship.

It seems like people only turn to you in times of need and when everything is going smoothly they turn their backs on you. The old saying: A friend in need is a friend indeed. And when they are no longer in need, friends they are not. It is precisely the reason why this life is meaningless. What we think is valuable is actually worthless; what seems real is an illusion; what we think lasts forever crumbles in a blink of an eye. Why then is life worth living? For the fleeting happiness that can be easily destroyed? For the unpredictable love that can leave you any moment? For the restless peace that is so fragile? For patience that is easily disturbed? For kindness that is ridden with so many hidden agendas? For goodness that is slowly dying? For faithfulness that can be broken with a snap of a finger? For gentleness that no longer prevails in the world? For self-control that loses it's meaning? What exactly do we have to live for?

Laughter, Love and Life are delusions. We lie to ourselves in order to make things seem better, in hopes that we will have motivation to continue living. But there's a tipping point. For once you were accepted, and now you are hated. And the world lives on.