I've been doing a little bit (an understatement, really, on second thought) of thinking. Evaluating where I am in my life, the kind of person I've become since, the people around me and how I handle stuff. I don't know where to start, as usual. A lot on my mind, but too much to put into words. Sometimes you just want someone to talk to, but you realize that there's no point. Nobody cares. Most people are too centered on themselves to give even a little time for other people. I admit I'm not entirely self-sacrificing myself, but I try to make the world a better place to live in - both for me and others.
Looking at the kind of person I am now, I see a very different me from the past. Back in the day I was a rebellious kid in school. Not the kind who always got into trouble with the teachers. Rebellious enough to be my own person, but not enough to be the cool kid. I never bent myself to fit with social norms, often challenging what people say we should do. I guess in some sense I'm still the same person now.
I'm a kind of person who likes to avoid conflict, never confronting any problems with other people by talking it out unless first approached. Not that I feel that by doing so my ego will be hurt, but just that I don't like talking to angry people. People in general have trouble listening even when they aren't angry. But throw in that emotional aspect, and it seems that you're talking to a stone wall. Angry people can't be reasoned with at all and I, for one, like to talk with reason. But it seems sometimes people can misunderstand my intentions. I'm not being snobbish, but why speak when nobody listens?
Where I am in my life is kind of a rough spot. Being around so many different characters and watching how the gears in the entire machine grind against each other, sometimes I just want to cut in and solve the problem. But then I know that my interception would most likely not be welcome, and my effort would just be wasted. Everyone has problems with everybody on some level, and from my position that's all I see. But everyone's too self-focused to even realize that they are the problem. I could say that for myself too, though. Conflict-avoidance is not the solution to everything. I realize this is something I have to face. The reason why I don't get angry with people is because I tend to analyze the situation and understand both sides. But my problem is I never take the chance to voice out and in the end nothing gets solved.
Moving on to the people around me, it's been a little rough too. Problems I have with the people I have to live with, and the lack of available output is too stressful on my emotional health. Lately I find it harder to calm my nerves and I'm always on the verge of bursting. I joke (sometimes overjoke) often to try to cover up how I really feel and also to loosen the tension in the air. Like I said I hate confrontations, and I use humor to try to shift the focus away from the tension and keep the situation light and happy. Though it's not always a good thing, especially when it's inappropriate. But it takes social awareness to know when jokes are inappropriate and stop, a characteristic most people do not possess (there I go praising myself again - such an egomaniac, you might think). You don't know me.
It does get lonely when you have the kind of mindset I have. But then again, it's not as if it's unjustified. I can be very serious and joke around when the situation calls for it. Everyone thinks they're victims of a cruel world; that everyone is out to get them. Everyone wants pity - and everyone makes sure other people knows about it. The fact that I'm typing this here shows that I, too, want to express myself. And, sure, I do think that I'm a victim, but not of a cruel world. But more of an uncaring world. Isn't it true everybody only cares about themselves. Most people would think otherwise; that they are caring towards other people. I won't disagree with that. Some people are more caring than others, but to what extent? Most people would only bother to help others if they would benefit from it, and if there's nothing in it for them, they refuse to help - even if they have nothing to lose.
Just a simple example:
Me and my bunk mate finished our meals and were going to clear the plates. I decided to test him and I just put my cup on his cup and asked him to help me clear it, without offering to help him. Since he was on his way to clear his cup anyway, and wouldn't have anything to lose by adding a couple more on his tray. He took the cups and put it back on my tray and told me to put it back myself. I asked him what his rationale was, and he said it was because "everyone should have two cups on their trays" and "having more cups on his tray would make it unbalanced". I feel that is a very weak rationale. Of course, he reluctantly agreed to clear the cups for me, but I cleared my cup and another friend's cups for him, just to prove a point.
Another situation was this: Me and another friend ('another friend and I' to be correct) had just finished eating too and were going to clear our trays too. This time I offered to clear another friend's leftover food in exchange for him to help me return my cup. No issue here.
This is a very minor event in my life, but it tells me a lot about that person. Not that I bear a grudge, but I'm a kind of person who tends to judge people based on their actions. Especially how selfless they are. I judge myself too, and I make an effort to become a better person, and that's why I can say that these people are selfish. I'm not perfect, but I try. I have no problems with people making mistakes, I only have a problem with people who don't want to become better people. People who know they are selfish and choose to stay that way, even when others blatantly point it out.
The reason why I feel so constrained is because the people around me don't want to listen to me. They refuse to open their minds to question the way they live their lives. I'm not trying to portray myself as above them or more enlightened, but some people are so closed-minded that I feel the necessity to pry it open. And they have the nerve to call me close-minded just because I'm firm in what I believe in. I'm firm in what I believe in because I ask questions, but these people are firm in what they believe in because they refuse to ask questions. The moment I want to say something, they immediately shut me off and tell me to keep quiet because they don't want to "debate with me". Even when I'm not even trying to start anything. I know sometimes I can be a little pushy with my world view, but it's only because these people refuse to open their minds to even begin to try to understand what I'm saying. They hold on firmly to their beliefs and regard anything I say as a personal attack. And from there they take everything personally and start attacking me personally. And when I refuse to talk to them anymore, they get all smug as if they've just won a "debate with me". Like I mentioned, I don't like talking to brick walls, and people like that are exactly as such - brick wall exterior with a shut gate.
Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living." I live by this saying and that's why I examine and analyze everything around me, and everything I go through. It's become a part of who I am. And I've learnt from a great man, named Jesus, on how to handle people who refuse to listen. When speaking to the Pharisees, who were people exactly like the people I described, he spoke the truth firmly but not insistently. This is what I strive to do - to be able to be firm but yet not insistent in what I believe in. To do my part to speak the truth to those who are willing to listen, and pray for those whose hearts are hardened by the world.
This is my life in a few paragraphs.
It's white just because.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Beliefs
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who change their lives to be consistent with their beliefs, and those who change their beliefs to suit the way they live.
There were two men who applied for the same spot in a particular company. And out of fairness, both men were required to sit for a test to decide which of the two would be hired.
The results of the test were such that both of them scored an F grade. The manager of the company then decided to put both of them to one last test. He handed both men the answer sheet and a red pen and told them to do whatever they wanted with it. He would return at the end of the session to collect the papers and re-evaluate their performance.
So the first guy immediately grabbed the red pen and marked all his current answers correct and changed his grade to A+. He did not edit his answers at all.
The second guy took the answer sheet and changed his answers on his test paper to that which was on the answer sheet.
After that they both handed their papers back to the manager. The manager took a look at both papers and smiled. Guess who got the job?
There were two men who applied for the same spot in a particular company. And out of fairness, both men were required to sit for a test to decide which of the two would be hired.
The results of the test were such that both of them scored an F grade. The manager of the company then decided to put both of them to one last test. He handed both men the answer sheet and a red pen and told them to do whatever they wanted with it. He would return at the end of the session to collect the papers and re-evaluate their performance.
So the first guy immediately grabbed the red pen and marked all his current answers correct and changed his grade to A+. He did not edit his answers at all.
The second guy took the answer sheet and changed his answers on his test paper to that which was on the answer sheet.
After that they both handed their papers back to the manager. The manager took a look at both papers and smiled. Guess who got the job?
Parents and Cleanliness
Sometimes I realize we tend to overestimate our parents. We see them as people who protect, provide, and look after the needs of the family and we overlook their emotional side. Sure, once in a while we get a peek at this side, but it's ever so rarely, and once it's gone we resume to our normal mindset.
We see our parents as heroes (or villians, depending) that don't really have any emotions, and sometimes that frustrates everybody. We don't see the loneliness when we're out having fun while our mothers stay home alone and cook and clean. We don't see the sacrifice when we're living the luxuries while our fathers are out working, saving and planning to give us a comfortable life.
And when they tell us to do something or restrict us from doing something else, sometimes we feel that it's an infringement on a certain right that is entitled to us by society; since everyone else can do it, why can't I? I, for one, can't really comment much on it because I've been given a lot of freedom, and a lot of responsibilities as well. And somehow I find myself sympathizing more with my parents and what they've done for me. Perhaps what I had was a perfect balance of freedom and control, responsibilities and provision.
Which brings me to the point of the cleanliness issue in my bunk.
It really amuses me to see the level of ignorance of the people around me. I'm not boasting or saying that I'm better than everyone else. But I owe a lot of who I am today to my parents and the environment I was brought up in. Sad to say, not everyone shares my sentiments.
The whole point of doing area cleaning is to maintain the order, cleanliness and the hygiene level of our living quarters at a livable standard. Sixteen people living together, if there was no enforcement of such stringent expectations the bunk would be almost like a landfill. Yet some people do not understand this very simple reasoning. Instead they treat our stand-by-area sessions as a punishment session.
They tell everybody that if the sergeants wanted to "pump" us, they could easily do so by searching every miniscule detail around the room and would definitely be able to dig out something to make us knock it down. Approaching the task with this mentality defeats the whole purpose of cleaning the area in the first place. Instead of putting at top priority the cleanliness of our bunk, what they focus on is how NOT to make a mistake that we won't do punishments. They then make a huge fuss over tiny matters like arrangement of our cupboards, blowing some things that don't matter out of proportion. But overlook the important things like KEEPING THE BUNK CLEAN.
I can't emphasize this enough. I always go into a cleaning job with one objective. To make the place a more hygienic place to live in. Call me a clean freak, but I don't like living in shit. But what really makes me want to laugh was that they actually suggested putting the duffel bags, which were under the beds for one whole month collecting dust, onto the beds just so that they could clean the bottom of the beds. The rationale was that if you put it on the floor then you can't sweep that area. Of course that would make sense, IF the bags weren't laced with huge clumps of dust bunnies.
But when I pointed that out, I was slapped in my face with the standard "this is the army, you have to get used to it" reply. I was rendered speechless. Just to clean under the beds, you dirty your own bed that you're going to sleep on? And you say that is hygienic? And even worse is that some of these people refuse to help to clean because they're too lazy and would rather do 50 to a 100 push-ups than to clean?
But enough ranting about stupid people. It seems that it can be really challenging to live around ignorance twenty-four hours a day, five days a week. It's been a month already and I finally realized that it's been a waste of my effort trying to help them. It's exactly like casting pearls to swine. I never understood the severity of that saying until now. I guess there's no point speaking if no one is willing to listen. The world is full of self-centered, self-worshipping people. No matter what I say, everyone only cares about themselves. Generosity is considered weakness and everyone is quick to exploit kindness. But nonetheless, I can only keep doing what I think is right, keep the faith, and hope my actions cut through the hearts of these egoistic, puffed up people.
I pray that God will help me keep the faith and persevere through this remaining 3 months of PTP/BMT. Paraphrasing from something I learnt a long time ago, but only realize now:
"Rebuke a fool and you will only incur his wrath. Rebuke a wise man and he will be even wiser yet."
I guess I shouldn't waste my breath rebuking fools, lest I incur the wrath of the world.
We see our parents as heroes (or villians, depending) that don't really have any emotions, and sometimes that frustrates everybody. We don't see the loneliness when we're out having fun while our mothers stay home alone and cook and clean. We don't see the sacrifice when we're living the luxuries while our fathers are out working, saving and planning to give us a comfortable life.
And when they tell us to do something or restrict us from doing something else, sometimes we feel that it's an infringement on a certain right that is entitled to us by society; since everyone else can do it, why can't I? I, for one, can't really comment much on it because I've been given a lot of freedom, and a lot of responsibilities as well. And somehow I find myself sympathizing more with my parents and what they've done for me. Perhaps what I had was a perfect balance of freedom and control, responsibilities and provision.
Which brings me to the point of the cleanliness issue in my bunk.
It really amuses me to see the level of ignorance of the people around me. I'm not boasting or saying that I'm better than everyone else. But I owe a lot of who I am today to my parents and the environment I was brought up in. Sad to say, not everyone shares my sentiments.
The whole point of doing area cleaning is to maintain the order, cleanliness and the hygiene level of our living quarters at a livable standard. Sixteen people living together, if there was no enforcement of such stringent expectations the bunk would be almost like a landfill. Yet some people do not understand this very simple reasoning. Instead they treat our stand-by-area sessions as a punishment session.
They tell everybody that if the sergeants wanted to "pump" us, they could easily do so by searching every miniscule detail around the room and would definitely be able to dig out something to make us knock it down. Approaching the task with this mentality defeats the whole purpose of cleaning the area in the first place. Instead of putting at top priority the cleanliness of our bunk, what they focus on is how NOT to make a mistake that we won't do punishments. They then make a huge fuss over tiny matters like arrangement of our cupboards, blowing some things that don't matter out of proportion. But overlook the important things like KEEPING THE BUNK CLEAN.
I can't emphasize this enough. I always go into a cleaning job with one objective. To make the place a more hygienic place to live in. Call me a clean freak, but I don't like living in shit. But what really makes me want to laugh was that they actually suggested putting the duffel bags, which were under the beds for one whole month collecting dust, onto the beds just so that they could clean the bottom of the beds. The rationale was that if you put it on the floor then you can't sweep that area. Of course that would make sense, IF the bags weren't laced with huge clumps of dust bunnies.
But when I pointed that out, I was slapped in my face with the standard "this is the army, you have to get used to it" reply. I was rendered speechless. Just to clean under the beds, you dirty your own bed that you're going to sleep on? And you say that is hygienic? And even worse is that some of these people refuse to help to clean because they're too lazy and would rather do 50 to a 100 push-ups than to clean?
But enough ranting about stupid people. It seems that it can be really challenging to live around ignorance twenty-four hours a day, five days a week. It's been a month already and I finally realized that it's been a waste of my effort trying to help them. It's exactly like casting pearls to swine. I never understood the severity of that saying until now. I guess there's no point speaking if no one is willing to listen. The world is full of self-centered, self-worshipping people. No matter what I say, everyone only cares about themselves. Generosity is considered weakness and everyone is quick to exploit kindness. But nonetheless, I can only keep doing what I think is right, keep the faith, and hope my actions cut through the hearts of these egoistic, puffed up people.
I pray that God will help me keep the faith and persevere through this remaining 3 months of PTP/BMT. Paraphrasing from something I learnt a long time ago, but only realize now:
"Rebuke a fool and you will only incur his wrath. Rebuke a wise man and he will be even wiser yet."
I guess I shouldn't waste my breath rebuking fools, lest I incur the wrath of the world.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
A little bit of this..and a whole lot more of that
Life's been climbing a little this past week. I was on medical status the whole week and it was torturous. No, not the "sai kang" that we have to do but more of not being able to participate in all the activities. Missed out on speed training, which was what I was looking forward to. Anyway I'll be back in action from tomorrow so things will be better.
Cleaning the officers' bunks and all the random places around Tekong made me wonder what all this talk about having discipline is about. They drill it into out heads and with the ever-so-frequent stand by beds, you'd think that the commanders were clean freaks. But no, the moment you step into their toilet you see the irony of the whole situation. On one hand they drill into your heads the importance of cleanliness, but they themselves do not carry out the same level that they expect from us. But anyhoo, I'm probably not allowed to blog about army life. So moving on..
Was at the FaithActs fund-raising charity dinner yesterday. Went with my mom and Pat. Si Hao, Namie, Wira, Bo and Joel were there too. My dreaded song "Moment" won first prize for the songwriting competition. It's not that I'm not happy, but as a songwriter I feel that Moment gets more credit that it's due. Personally it's not the kind of song that I want to portray myself to be writing, because I'm not into the whole ballad thing. Sure I like the song in some ways, but I feel it's just not me. Listening to it, it sounds more Si Hao than me actually. But I guess people just like the simple stuff. No one appreciates the other songs that I write as much. Oh well, life's like that.
Somehow after finally moving on in life, things seem to be a little bit brighter. I can say I'm no longer in the dark gloomy place that I was in during the past 4 weeks, though no one probably noticed. Being in camp 5 out of 7 days is really very distancing, especially when you just live a very routine life doing the same things everyday. I won't say I'm a non-conformist, but I like to think. And when you're in the army sometimes you hear people saying "don't ask why, just do" and you think to yourself what kind of people don't like to think. And when you talk to everyone around you, you answer the question.
Also after watching Blueprint by RSD (thanks to Si Hao for reminding me), I'm kinda pumped to finally work on myself personality-wise. The whole series really opened my eyes to what I was doing and what kind of person I was, and that really helped me throw everything down and move on in life. I'm generally a very melancholic person, and I'm trying to throw that in favor of a much more sanguine temperament without losing the emotional, artsy side that makes me who I am. I'm an artist, but who says all artists have to be melancholic. To hell with all the emo stuff.
I also want to thank God for really helping me through it all, being there for me every step of the way. At certain points in life, things can really seem very depressing. But it's good to know that there's someone who's there for me, even though not physically but in spirit. I'm grateful that he's brought me to where I am standing today and I know he has a plan for me in the future.
PTL.
Cleaning the officers' bunks and all the random places around Tekong made me wonder what all this talk about having discipline is about. They drill it into out heads and with the ever-so-frequent stand by beds, you'd think that the commanders were clean freaks. But no, the moment you step into their toilet you see the irony of the whole situation. On one hand they drill into your heads the importance of cleanliness, but they themselves do not carry out the same level that they expect from us. But anyhoo, I'm probably not allowed to blog about army life. So moving on..
Was at the FaithActs fund-raising charity dinner yesterday. Went with my mom and Pat. Si Hao, Namie, Wira, Bo and Joel were there too. My dreaded song "Moment" won first prize for the songwriting competition. It's not that I'm not happy, but as a songwriter I feel that Moment gets more credit that it's due. Personally it's not the kind of song that I want to portray myself to be writing, because I'm not into the whole ballad thing. Sure I like the song in some ways, but I feel it's just not me. Listening to it, it sounds more Si Hao than me actually. But I guess people just like the simple stuff. No one appreciates the other songs that I write as much. Oh well, life's like that.
Somehow after finally moving on in life, things seem to be a little bit brighter. I can say I'm no longer in the dark gloomy place that I was in during the past 4 weeks, though no one probably noticed. Being in camp 5 out of 7 days is really very distancing, especially when you just live a very routine life doing the same things everyday. I won't say I'm a non-conformist, but I like to think. And when you're in the army sometimes you hear people saying "don't ask why, just do" and you think to yourself what kind of people don't like to think. And when you talk to everyone around you, you answer the question.
Also after watching Blueprint by RSD (thanks to Si Hao for reminding me), I'm kinda pumped to finally work on myself personality-wise. The whole series really opened my eyes to what I was doing and what kind of person I was, and that really helped me throw everything down and move on in life. I'm generally a very melancholic person, and I'm trying to throw that in favor of a much more sanguine temperament without losing the emotional, artsy side that makes me who I am. I'm an artist, but who says all artists have to be melancholic. To hell with all the emo stuff.
I also want to thank God for really helping me through it all, being there for me every step of the way. At certain points in life, things can really seem very depressing. But it's good to know that there's someone who's there for me, even though not physically but in spirit. I'm grateful that he's brought me to where I am standing today and I know he has a plan for me in the future.
PTL.
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