My Life In A Few Paragraphs

I've been doing a little bit (an understatement, really, on second thought) of thinking. Evaluating where I am in my life, the kind of person I've become since, the people around me and how I handle stuff. I don't know where to start, as usual. A lot on my mind, but too much to put into words. Sometimes you just want someone to talk to, but you realize that there's no point. Nobody cares. Most people are too centered on themselves to give even a little time for other people. I admit I'm not entirely self-sacrificing myself, but I try to make the world a better place to live in - both for me and others.

Looking at the kind of person I am now, I see a very different me from the past. Back in the day I was a rebellious kid in school. Not the kind who always got into trouble with the teachers. Rebellious enough to be my own person, but not enough to be the cool kid. I never bent myself to fit with social norms, often challenging what people say we should do. I guess in some sense I'm still the same person now.

I'm a kind of person who likes to avoid conflict, never confronting any problems with other people by talking it out unless first approached. Not that I feel that by doing so my ego will be hurt, but just that I don't like talking to angry people. People in general have trouble listening even when they aren't angry. But throw in that emotional aspect, and it seems that you're talking to a stone wall. Angry people can't be reasoned with at all and I, for one, like to talk with reason. But it seems sometimes people can misunderstand my intentions. I'm not being snobbish, but why speak when nobody listens?

Where I am in my life is kind of a rough spot. Being around so many different characters and watching how the gears in the entire machine grind against each other, sometimes I just want to cut in and solve the problem. But then I know that my interception would most likely not be welcome, and my effort would just be wasted. Everyone has problems with everybody on some level, and from my position that's all I see. But everyone's too self-focused to even realize that they are the problem. I could say that for myself too, though. Conflict-avoidance is not the solution to everything. I realize this is something I have to face. The reason why I don't get angry with people is because I tend to analyze the situation and understand both sides. But my problem is I never take the chance to voice out and in the end nothing gets solved.

Moving on to the people around me, it's been a little rough too. Problems I have with the people I have to live with, and the lack of available output is too stressful on my emotional health. Lately I find it harder to calm my nerves and I'm always on the verge of bursting. I joke (sometimes overjoke) often to try to cover up how I really feel and also to loosen the tension in the air. Like I said I hate confrontations, and I use humor to try to shift the focus away from the tension and keep the situation light and happy. Though it's not always a good thing, especially when it's inappropriate. But it takes social awareness to know when jokes are inappropriate and stop, a characteristic most people do not possess (there I go praising myself again - such an egomaniac, you might think). You don't know me.

It does get lonely when you have the kind of mindset I have. But then again, it's not as if it's unjustified. I can be very serious and joke around when the situation calls for it. Everyone thinks they're victims of a cruel world; that everyone is out to get them. Everyone wants pity - and everyone makes sure other people knows about it. The fact that I'm typing this here shows that I, too, want to express myself. And, sure, I do think that I'm a victim, but not of a cruel world. But more of an uncaring world. Isn't it true everybody only cares about themselves. Most people would think otherwise; that they are caring towards other people. I won't disagree with that. Some people are more caring than others, but to what extent? Most people would only bother to help others if they would benefit from it, and if there's nothing in it for them, they refuse to help - even if they have nothing to lose.

Just a simple example:

Me and my bunk mate finished our meals and were going to clear the plates. I decided to test him and I just put my cup on his cup and asked him to help me clear it, without offering to help him. Since he was on his way to clear his cup anyway, and wouldn't have anything to lose by adding a couple more on his tray. He took the cups and put it back on my tray and told me to put it back myself. I asked him what his rationale was, and he said it was because "everyone should have two cups on their trays" and "having more cups on his tray would make it unbalanced". I feel that is a very weak rationale. Of course, he reluctantly agreed to clear the cups for me, but I cleared my cup and another friend's cups for him, just to prove a point.

Another situation was this: Me and another friend ('another friend and I' to be correct) had just finished eating too and were going to clear our trays too. This time I offered to clear another friend's leftover food in exchange for him to help me return my cup. No issue here.

This is a very minor event in my life, but it tells me a lot about that person. Not that I bear a grudge, but I'm a kind of person who tends to judge people based on their actions. Especially how selfless they are. I judge myself too, and I make an effort to become a better person, and that's why I can say that these people are selfish. I'm not perfect, but I try. I have no problems with people making mistakes, I only have a problem with people who don't want to become better people. People who know they are selfish and choose to stay that way, even when others blatantly point it out.

The reason why I feel so constrained is because the people around me don't want to listen to me. They refuse to open their minds to question the way they live their lives. I'm not trying to portray myself as above them or more enlightened, but some people are so closed-minded that I feel the necessity to pry it open. And they have the nerve to call me close-minded just because I'm firm in what I believe in. I'm firm in what I believe in because I ask questions, but these people are firm in what they believe in because they refuse to ask questions. The moment I want to say something, they immediately shut me off and tell me to keep quiet because they don't want to "debate with me". Even when I'm not even trying to start anything. I know sometimes I can be a little pushy with my world view, but it's only because these people refuse to open their minds to even begin to try to understand what I'm saying. They hold on firmly to their beliefs and regard anything I say as a personal attack. And from there they take everything personally and start attacking me personally. And when I refuse to talk to them anymore, they get all smug as if they've just won a "debate with me". Like I mentioned, I don't like talking to brick walls, and people like that are exactly as such - brick wall exterior with a shut gate.

Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living." I live by this saying and that's why I examine and analyze everything around me, and everything I go through. It's become a part of who I am. And I've learnt from a great man, named Jesus, on how to handle people who refuse to listen. When speaking to the Pharisees, who were people exactly like the people I described, he spoke the truth firmly but not insistently. This is what I strive to do - to be able to be firm but yet not insistent in what I believe in. To do my part to speak the truth to those who are willing to listen, and pray for those whose hearts are hardened by the world.

This is my life in a few paragraphs.