Building a Life; Destroying Another

What have I done? I shouldn't have dragged them all in; most of all him. And now I feel like crap; I feel like a sinner; I feel like the devil. Just one moment, one decision and everything came spiraling down. People read about the past to prevent mistakes in the future, but I guess when the time actually comes you don't actually realize it. It's not that simple to salvage the situation. How can you help those who don't want to be helped; how can you save those who do not want to be saved? I guess I finally understand God's position. He wants to help us so much and gives us a lifetime of chances to change, but some people are so stubborn and happy in their sinfulness that they reject help. All I can do now is pray for these people.

All I wanted was to build a life, to become more confident. To be a better person, to finally be happy. When you meet people who share the same goals as you, you just get excited and overlook the negative consequences. I'm a changed person, most definitely. Not the introverted guy I used to be. There's still a little bit of my old self left in me, but he's slowly dying away. But in whatever I do, I always look to God to keep me in check - and he hasn't let me down so far. Not so much for other people though. I just feel sick that all this is happening and it's my fault. God help us.

All I can do is to wait for time to pass until everything tides over and I hope it turns out for the better, because I would hate to be the one who destroys someone's life, even though unintentionally.

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Why do people accept this life of duality? Ups and downs; sadness and happiness? Most people are resigned to the fact that sadness and evil is inevitable; that when life's at it's highest, something bad is around the corner. Living such a life to me is really sad. I believe that there is a singularity in heaven, and I'm looking forward to it. It may be a concept that I will never understand but I have faith that it's a good place to be. Where I can be happy without knowing that sadness is lurking nearby.

How can you be truly happy if you know that your happiness is fleeting, and that it just takes a single unfortunate event to happen for it to disappear. I want to experience Joy, in good and bad. Knowing that no matter what happens, I'll still be happy - that's Joy. The fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control. These are non-dualistic characteristics that I strive for. Only then would I truly enjoy living. But perhaps they only exist in heaven. I don't know.