Death And Other (Un)Related Stuff...

I used to hear of people doing stupid things for the "adrenaline rush" all the time. I never understood why people did things that I would consider stupid. Like the people from Jackass, who constantly put their lives at risk for no reason other than entertainment. I never understood why people pulled dangerous stunts, why people would take things to the extreme. I could never comprehend that - until now.

I've always been afraid of heights, but I've always loved the feeling I get when I'm standing on the edge of a really high place; when I cross the yellow line at the MRT station; or when I try to balance on a small platform and look up into the sky. Somehow that feeling just excites me, I can literally feel my whole body come alive - trying hard to stay alive in the face of "danger". My mind knows that I'm safe, but my body somehow just activates it's adrenaline release.

When I'm high up, I always imagine that I'm falling. I like the feeling. Closing my eyes, and I want to jump off a high building. Not to suicide of course, just to free fall forever. I've never had to opportunity to sky dive though. But if I could, I definitely would. But what I hate are those carnival rides where they strap you to a seat and rise slowly and plunge suddenly. I don't particularly enjoy those thrills; I want to dive, not plunge.

When I'm standing by the road side, waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green and I see an oncoming car. I always feel this urge to just jump in front of it. It might sound like I'm crazy, but apparently I have friends who feel the same way. So it's not so bad, at least I'm not alone. Perhaps one of these days I should try it. Not in Singapore, though. It's too much of a hassle.

Which brings me to the point of me hating living in Singapore. Sure, it's a safe country. Low crime rate, virtually no disaster rate, good education (really?), health care (really?), multi-racial and religious. Basically Singapore is safe: both socially, geographically, and economically. But personally that is precisely the reason why I want to leave this country. I feel no disdain towards the people or government. Sure, it may work for some people - just not me. There are a lot of things I want to experience that I cannot experience here in Singapore. We have virtually nothing on this tiny tropical island - no seasons, no mountains, no villages, no cottages, no waterfalls, no huge bustling cities, no international celebrities, not much good music, etc.

Many of you can tell that I have a certain adoration towards nature. I'm no tree hugger, definitely. I'm just absolutely fascinated by the beauty, perfection and completeness of Nature. The peacefulness, sweetness, and beauty is astounding. My vocabulary, unfortunately, is too limited and is unable to adequately express my love for Nature. Nature, Music and Love are the 3 things that I thank God for. It is these 3 things that connect directly to all 3 aspects of a person: body, soul and spirit.

It is my dream to retire in either one of the following places: a tribal area in South Africa, an Amish settlement, farmland in New Zealand, or in some Celtic-esque town in Europe. I've recently grown fond of Celtic music, or European folk music. I find it very interesting and it's one of the few genres that when I listen to it, I can close my eyes and immerse myself in it. I enjoy various other genres too - jazz, funk, latin, rock, pop, and blues - but only few genres really speak to me, namely a lot of European music - folk, chamber, theatrical, art songs, orchestral - and Ambient, Neo-classical (modern classical), some other 20th Century music, and game music. Basically I like music that you can sit down, listen, close your eyes, and relax, and are connected very much to nature and space.

Anyway, how did I come to this subject? Let's get back to the topic on death. I've always been fascinated by death, even though I know where I'll be going in the afterlife. I've always found a strange fascination with the Grim Reaper, 4 Horsemen, and Dark Ages even though I don't really live my life around black. I'm not goth or "emo", and I don't really read much into these topics (or have not, I might in the future). But as much as I like to think about death, it's sad that people always find it grim. I see death not as a bad thing, but as an escape - escape from an evil world, escape into the afterlife. I thought about the Venus project and after talking to my dad a bit (who is my mentor in life, love you Dad), he got my thinking. Isn't everyone aiming for Utopia? Plato discussed about the Republic, Science is aiming to create a better world free of disease and labor, Religions aiming for a morally pure society on Earth. But after reflecting on it, I realized it's pointless. As long as people are ignorant about what's happening in the world, nothing will change. The poor will remain in poverty, resources will keep being depleted, forests destroyed, economies crashing and recovering in cycles, etc. Perhaps that's what heaven is. Heaven will be free of sin; free from evil people who would all be in hell. No more crime, no more politics, no more money, just God's creations, love and music. That is heaven.

I've come to understand that people are much to busy solving their own problems to even begin to worry about bigger problems. People worry about how to keep their jobs to put food on the table, to think about dissecting the monetary system that is enslaving them. No one wants to think too much, every day poses enough problems for itself, and people are unable to see the bigger picture.

Perhaps life's too short too, but if I had a choice I would end it now and finally enter Paradise - which is God. I have a personal religion which is God. I don't want to label myself as a Christian, for it is a religion that has too many negative connotations to it's name. And with it comes various responsibilities relating to the label of being a Christian. I believe the bible is God's word, I believe that Jesus came to save us, I don't believe that God wants us to live our lives following a set of rules in order to enter heaven. He wants us to form and maintain a growing relationship with Him, and that is my religion - my religion is God. Throw the 'isms' out the window for only the insecure and elitists would want social segregation among people. I believe God is living and that He can think, and work on His own. I don't have to tell him what to do, and I definitely don't need to do anything for Him. He is entirely capable. Everything I do is for myself, to save my soul, to help me grow as a person, to help me grow closer to him. I do things for myself, but I'm not self-centered - I'm God-centered.

It's a difficult life to lead, trust me. And I fall more often that not, always straying farther away from the Shepard. But praise be to God for he always calls me back into His arms. Always keeping me close and never letting me stray too far away. Many a times I've been tempted to enter the wolves' den. When one studies the enemy too in depth, he risks thinking and becoming one of them as well. I used to fear that one day I would learn something that would cause me to lose my faith. But then I learned that a faith never challenged is no faith at all. I don't know if it's been said, but I thought of it myself. I trust that God, in His sovereignty, will always reveal the Truth to me and so far I've not strayed. God is great.

Of course I cannot end without a quirky nonsensical story. So here it is:

There once was a boy who built a kite. He wanted to fly the kite so high that it would reach the heavens and hopefully God would notice it. On the kite he attached a note which was addressed to God, asking for a toy he wanted very badly.

He went out into the open field and flew the kite. It went high up into the clouds but the string wasn't long enough to reach heaven. So he pulled it back in and made the string longer. He tried again but it still wasn't long enough. He went back and forth several times, each time the kite couldn't fly high enough to reach the floors of heaven.

The sky was darkening and a thunderstorm was approaching. But the boy was determined to fly the kite until it reached heaven. He went out into the open field and flew the kite. It began to drizzle, then a shower came and finally it rained. 

The rained got heavier and heavier and the kite was thrown back and forth in the sky. Suddenly a flash of lightning cracked across the sky. It found the kite and struck it - sending a current of electricity down the kite towards the boy. Without time to release the kite, the boy was struck and he fell to the ground. The kite was released and it rose higher and higher until it reached heaven.

The boy wound up at the Pearly Gates and was immediately summoned into the hall. He walked through the huge doors and stood in front of God. He saw that God was holding in his hands the very kite that the boy made and he was reading the letter addressed to him. 

I need not continue the story. But if you get the message behind the story then God bless you.

Good night.

P.S. I'm coughing really badly.